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I've watched a lot of movies recently, and it would take forever to write reviews of all of them, so here is my second semi-annual Bullet Movie Review!
Needless to say these opinions are mine and mine alone, and some of them may offend you. If you are offended by any of my reviews here, please keep in mind, it's only a movie. 
| Rating | Title | Bullet Review |
|---|---|---|
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Beach, The 2000: (Drama/Thriller) |
This film is a bit old now, circa 2000, but I was lucky enough to snap up a copy of it recently. The storyline is mildly interesting if a bit implausible, but enjoyable enough. I guess you would call this a not-so-thrilling "thriller". You probably would enjoy it if you are a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. I of course, love this film, for one reason, and one reason only--Tilda Swinton. I pretty much like anything she is in. The film tells the story of a commune of beach lovers led by Tilda Swinton, who have a secret island spot all to themselves that the outside world doesn't know about. These free spirits coexist in an uneasy peace with drug dealers who use another part of the island as a hideout and drug farm. Enter DiCaprio, wooed into the group by Swinton, but who breaks the cardinal rule--he doesn't keep the location secret. Soon DiCaprio finds himself expelled from the group and slowly going mad in the jungle. The tension builds and culminates in a showdown between the drug dealers and the naturists, with DiCaprio's life hanging in the balance as he becomes aware just how far Swinton's character is prepared to go to keep her little paradise. |
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Constantine 2005: (Action/Horror/Fantasy) |
I liked Constantine more than I thought I would. Keanu Reeves is as talented as ever, which is to say, not very, but I enjoyed this film nonetheless. Rachel Weisz is stunningly beautiful, but the actress that stole the picture for me was, of course, Tilda Swinton, playing a male character (the archangel Gabriel) for the second time in her career (the first time being in the film "Orlando" which I sadly still do not own a copy of.) The effects were great and the concept of Hell as an alternate dimension overlapping the real world was very well done. Definitely escapist nonsense, but fun. |
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Cry Wolf 2005: (Horror) |
*Yawn* do you remember April Fool's Day? That really implausible horror movie from 1986 where like 10 people are "murdered" before it all turns out to be an elaborate joke as a "twist ending" and nobody actually died? Cry Wolf is pretty much April Fool's Day again with a few more twists, so as to make it even more improbable. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't figured this out about 15 minutes into the movie and was then just sitting around waiting for it to end. It was nice to see Lindy Booth again, she was every bit as cute as I recall her being in Wrong Turn (which was even worse than this film.) As bad movies go, this one isn't stupid enough to actually be enjoyable, but the younger crowd will probably like it. |
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Dark Water 2005: (Horror) |
This is just like The Ring 2, except it isn’t good at all. Don't waste your money. You'll know where this is going after 10 minutes, and spend the next 90 minutes waiting for it to get there. I reviewed this film at length yesterday. |
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Exorcism of Emily Rose, The 2005: (Drama/Horror) |
Based on the story of the exorcism of Anneliese Michel, a young German woman who was diagnosed with epilepsy but who felt she was instead possessed (these events having transpired shortly after the original film The Exorcist was released.) The priests who performed the exorcism suggested fasting as a method of driving out the demons, and in so doing Anneliese starved herself to death. The priests and her family were found guilty of negligent homicide and sentenced to six months in prison. The movie is completely true to the original account, except that in the movie Emily Rose is American, really possessed, and starves herself against the will of her pastor who repeatedly urges her to eat. The family is not charged, and the pastor is set free. Basically, the movie is a bullshit account which completely changes the story around so as to reinforce religious dogma. But what do you expect from a movie that bills itself as a horror film and turns out to be a courtroom drama? Yeah, you heard that right. I give this flick 2 stars, and I feel I'm being generous in so doing. |
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Fantastic Four 2005: (Action) |
Jessica Alba is hot. Is it over yet? Okay it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. Definitely did not live up to the hype, but it was decent enough to rate 2 stars. Maybe others would think it better, but I typically don't like superhero movies, and this is no exception. |
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Hero 2002: (Action) |
Like Crouching Tiger, Hero is either "deeply philosophical" or "more mumbo jumbo", take your pick. Nonetheless I got a real kick out of this film. Qin, a powerful warlord, is unifying China through conquest. His only real fears are three great warriors who seek to kill him. He is astounded to learn that all three of these formidable martial artists have been slain by an as yet unknown hero, and he summons the hero (Jet Li) to his palace to learn how this was accomplished. Before long, Qin realizes the Hero's story doesn't ring quite true. As in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and House of Flying Daggers, be prepared for breathtaking cinematography and dizzying wire-work martial arts. My only complaint about this film? When you stamp your foot on the ground, the cup of tea next to your foot doesn't fly six feet straight up into the air. I don't care how fabulous a martial artist you are. But it's a minor point. |
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House of Flying Daggers 2004: (Action) |
Okay ever since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, I have a weakness for crazy martial arts wire-work films. The cinematography in Flying Daggers is incredible, and the rich color-enhanced scenery is beautiful to behold. The story isn't as good as Crouching Tiger, but definitely enjoyable, and heck, any opportunity to see the exotic Ziyi Zhang kicking ass is fine by me. |
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House of Wax 2005: (Horror) |
Is there some rule these days that horror films have to be predictable? The special effects in this movie were interesting, and the gore was definitely top-notch (seeing Paris Hilton getting her head impaled on a pipe was a bonus), but if you were looking to actually be scared, put this back on the shelf and rent The Eye instead. |
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Land of the Dead 2005: (Horror/Action) |
I always give props to George A. Romero, father of zombie horror, but Land of the Dead was pretty flat. Humanity has established a walled-in community, and the zombies are beginning to "evolve" into rational (cannibalistic) beings. That about sums it up. Great gory effects, but otherwise? Completely uninteresting. The remake of Dawn of the Dead was better, and the 1990 theatrical remake of Night of the Living Dead better still. If you love Zombie horror and you are a Romero fan you will probably enjoy this film, but not much. Better luck next time George. |
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March of the Penguins 2005: (Documentary) |
I generally don't go in for family films, and though I have to admit that the story of the Penguin mating ritual is intriguing, this film struck me as no more compelling than an episode of Nova. Yes the landscapes were breathtaking, and the narration by Morgan Freeman was spot on. But it is still basically a nature show. I found having something to read very helpful in getting through this film. My daughter really liked the funny parts, penguins are, after all, amusing creatures, but she was very upset by the sad parts. If you have really young children, you might want to reconsider before allowing your kids to watch this film. It's G-rated, but I can't imagine a 4 or 5 year old dealing well with watching baby penguins die. |
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S1M0NE 2002: (Comedy/SciFi) |
This film came out in 2002, and I saw it many times on the shelves in the video stores. I like Al Pacino, but the premise (director uses a computer animated actress in his films, and the public can't tell the difference, director finds the ordeal of maintaining the existence of Simone more trouble than it is worth) didn't seem all that interesting to me. I mean come on, how many "big lie" movies are there out there, comedic films about someone maintaining a big lie and coming closer and closer to having the truth slip out? Yentl, White Chicks, Tootsie, etc. etc. etc. Recently I gave in and watched S1M0NE. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would, and I thought the acting was well done. Okay it wasn't GREAT, but it was an interesting film just the same. I recommend checking it out sometime if you get the chance. |
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Serenity 2005: (SciFi/Action) |
I was surprised by how much I liked this film, although ever since I, Robot I've really liked Alan Tudyk. The characters are unpolished, but that's part of the film's charm. Some of the dialog is cheesy and feels strained, but I enjoyed myself nonetheless. Definitely check this out. |
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Sin City 2005: (Action) |
Visually interesting and disturbing vignettes, but I didn't enjoy this film as much as most other people did. I'd say it's definitely a fun film to watch, once, but it's not the sort of thing you could buy your mother as a gift. |
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Snow White: A Tale of Terror 1997: (Fantasy/Horror) |
A dark retelling of the classic fairy tale starring Sigourney Weaver and Sam Neill. It's sort of a Poison Ivy meets Snow White film, and Sigourney plays the evil witch with her usual skill. I enjoyed this film, but it's definitely not something you are going to watch over and over again. |
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Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story 2005: (Comedy) |
Okay, if you are a fan of Family Guy, you will like this film. As movies go, it is more like an extended family guy episode rather than a feature film, and as episodes go, it's definitely not the best episode. But I liked it immensely, and got a real kick out of the homage to Ferris Bueller's Day Off at the end of the film. The movie is worth watching for that scene alone IMHO. After a near-death experience, Stewie is watching television, and sees a man in San Francisco who looks so much like him, he is convinced it is his "real father". After all, how could he be the child of "the fat man"? |
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Team America: World Police 2004: (Comedy) |
From a technical perspective this movie is interesting, in that it is an enourmous puppet show, far more involved than any muppet movie, requiring hundreds upon hundreds of string puppets and similar numbers of puppeteers. I was very impressed with that aspect of the film. The rest of the film I can sum up in one word: "shit". Like South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, Team America is disgusting, over-the-top gross. In fact it is even grosser than the South Park movie, and for me anyway, definitely crosses the line where gross ceases to be funny. I wouldn't watch porn where two lovers crap and piss on each other, and I really don't want to see puppets doing it either... comedy or not. Pretty much all of the jokes in Team America are dried up and dead long before the movie is finished with them, and I spent the majority of this movie alternating between being bored and being grossed out. Finally, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never made a secret of their utter disdain for actors, and it became apparent fairly early in this film that it was being used to indulge their desire to denigrate various celebrities and fantasize about killing them. The creators seem to feel that celebrities have no place speaking out on "the issues" and in most cases they are probably right, but some of the celebrities they went after in this film were baffling to me. Perhaps the celebrity-parody who amused me most was Matt Damon, so pitifully retarded that the only thing he could say was his name. Since Team America basically attacked everything, liberal or conservative, sitting through it is a bit like spending time with your annoying in-law who is loudmouthed, full of shit, and who complains about everything without ever offering a useful alternative. Would you enjoy hanging around with such a person? Me neither. |
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Wrong Turn 2003: (Horror) |
Okay I watched this horror film over a year ago now, and I thought I posted a review then, but I guess I didn't. Despite having Lindy Booth (cutie) and Eliza Dushku (hottie) in it, this film is ass. Here's a tip for the would be director, try not to give away the entire premise of the film during the opening credits montage... because once I've seen the montage, I already know what the whole film is about, and then it's simply a matter of waiting around to see who is still living by the time you reach the end credits. The characters are flat and completely uninteresting, and in order to get scared, you have to care somewhat about the characters. Since you will learn from the opening credits that this movie is about cannibalistic deformed hillbillies, it will be immediately apparent that in standard dime-a-dozen horror flick style, all but one or two of these characters are going to die. Ho hum. Why care about any of them then? They're all equally dislikeable. *yawn* |
The previous Bullet Movie Review was published on Unbecoming Levity on March 13, 2005.