So the other day I got an email about a Solstice party my company would be holding, and I took the opportunity to write something goofy in response...

Come celebrate the Winter Solstice on Wednesday, December 21st at 4:00 in the cafeteria. In an effort to celebrate the longest night and shortest day of 2005 we will be having a Winter Solstice Beer Blast on Wednesday. Beer, wine, eggnog, rum and food will be provided.

We hope to see you there.

Considering the debacle caused the last time I sent something humorous around the company's email system, I wisely chose to send this reply only to the folks in HR.  They apparently decided that my sense of humor was too offensive (or they just thought it wasn't funny) and did not see fit to share my reply with the company at large.  Bastards.

But neither being offensive nor being not funny is going to stop me from sharing it with you, however, so here was my scientific explanation of the solstice:

Ah the Winter Solstice... the reason for the season. Many years ago it was believed that the solstice was caused by the axial tilt of the planet, but now we know it's because the great sunbird is nesting this time of year. On midnight of the solstice the sunbird's egg hatches and a new year is born, and in the days following she can begin spending less and less time at the nest which is why the days start getting longer again. Roosters of course, always knew this, which is why they call at the rising sun, partly to celebrate the day and partly to attract her attention, because on the Summer Solstice the sunbird selects a rooster to be the father of the new year. After the year is born, the sunbird eats the rooster and feeds it to the new year hatchling. Apparently the roosters haven't caught on to this part of the deal yet...

Each year the sunbird takes 10 days after the birth of the new year to decide what to name it, which she does with great aplomb at midnight on December 31'st. It's not clear why she takes 10 days to do this when she's been naming the years as an incrementing number for over 2 millennia. As always there are rumors of course. Despite the fact that those in the business of making calendars have already printed merchandise with the new year's name as 2006, rumors persist on internet chat rooms and discussion boards that the sunbird plans to name her next broodling "Filbert". These stories are usually fueled by the behavior of previous years which haven't quite gotten used to not being in the limelight, such as 1998, who had his name legally changed to "Sproinkus" as a publicity stunt timed for the release of his memoir "Remember Me?"

Of course if anybody should feel upset, it should be the great moonbird, who used to be in charge of birthing new months. For tax reasons, and also because she wanted to upstage the sunbird, the moonbird insisted that no two months be the same length and that she must be allowed an 11 day headstart on the first month of the year. Needless to say this didn't fly and calendar makers got tired of Summer coming in the middle of January, despite the moonbird's explanation that it was all quite simple really and her somewhat lengthy dissertation on the beauty of a 235 month cycle spanning 19 years and involving 7 extra months sprinkled here and there to keep things in line did little to sway fence sitters to her position. So now month-birthing is now handled by committee and performed by cutting buds from old months. The moonbird still does her thing though, and seems to be operating under the belief that everybody else will "come around" in time.

But I digress. Anyway I shall be happy to attend the Winter Solstice beer bash with my fellow sunbirdians. Of course I shall come wearing the traditional costume of feathers with a giant half-eggshell on my head, and I look forward to singing the sunbird carols with y'all. I've been practicing my warbling all week.

Happy Filbert!