** SLAM **
CARLY: [sprawling on couch half dozing] Hmm? Wha? Terence is that you?
TERENCE: [enters looking somewhat perturbed] Yeah it's me. [to Chad who is at the counter doing a crossword puzzle] Hey Cube, 'sup.
CHAD: [grunts]
CARLY: [sitting up] How are Justin and Simone?
TERENCE: Eh. [sits next to Carly and looks depressed]
CARLY: What's the matter? How are things with Simone?
TERENCE: Bad. [kicks off his shoes] I don't know what I did, but we just didn't connect tonight.
CARLY: Even with the flowers?
TERENCE: Simone... is allergic to daisies.
CARLY: Oops.
CHAD: [to himself] 5 down, five letters, close but distant, starts with A.
TERENCE: [absently picking at his jacket] Yuh. As soon as I presented them she started sneezing up a storm. [picks something off his coat, gets a disgusted look and flicks it away] I don't understand why she's being aloof.
CHAD: Ah! [writes in crossword]
CARLY: A loof? Is that like a doof?
TERENCE: No aloof, it's when someone acts distant, or cold. Like that time when we went to that party with your friend, the roofer... what's his name?
CARLY: Rufus?
TERENCE: Yeah, and then once we got there he acted like he didn't know us the whole night?
CARLY: Yeah. Right after you started juggling meatballs.
TERENCE: I don't remember that.
CARLY: You had a lot to drink.
TERENCE: Hmph.
CARLY: So a loof is a person who is acting distant?
TERENCE: No... it's not a person, it's a state of being... when someone acts aloof.
CHAD: It was originally a nautical term.
CARLY: You would think with all those men in close quarters, anybody who tried to act aloof would get tossed overboard in short order.
CHAD: [chuckling] "Luff" is an archaic sailing term for the windward part of a ship. Sometimes ships would need to travel together, and for obvious reasons they needed to keep a safe distance from each other. One way to do this would be for one ship to be upwind of the other. So a Captain would tell his helmsman to "steer aloof", aloof meaning "toward the luff"--basically steer into the wind, thus bringing the ship upwind of the other vessel. The ships would then sail at a fixed distance from each other, and the one upwind was said to be "standing aloof".
CARLY: So in a sailing sense, Simone's standing upwind of Terry.
CHAD: Yes. [goes back to crossword]
CARLY: [to Terence] That's it then. You stink.
TERENCE: Thanks.
CARLY: No really. I think I need to stand aloof of your shoes. [she gets up and moves to the recliner by the window]
TERENCE: Jerk. My shoes do NOT stink.
CARLY: Doctor Scholl might say otherwise.
TERENCE: Who?
CARLY: My point exactly. So if it isn't your shoes what is it?
CHAD: [muttering] 12 across, four letters, seats three at least, starts with S. Hmmm.
TERENCE: [sprawls out] Beats me. [glances at couch] Wow I don't remember this sofa being so comfortable.
CHAD: Yeah! [writes on crossword]
TERENCE: [sniffs cushion] Hmph. It smells different too, clean. Something familiar about that scent.
CARLY: [proudly] I fixed the cushions. Aren't they comfy?
TERENCE: [absently] Yeah. [looks up] Actually, now that I think about it, there was definitely something odd going on.
CARLY: What makes you say that?
TERENCE: Simone kept making these little sideways comments that something was missing, I thought she meant in our relationship, but at dinner Justin launched into this bizarre story about their loofahs.
CHAD: [muttering] 19 down, seven letters, lazy footwear, starts with L.
CARLY: Their shoes?
TERENCE: Shoes?
CARLY: You know like those stink bombs you wear? The ones without laces?
TERENCE: Those are LOAFERS...
CHAD: Hmm! [writes on crossword and then looks at Terence and Carly with a slightly puzzled look, hesitantly] 20 across, 'air weapon' to Gerhart, 9 letters?
CARLY: Those are loafers, huh? Then what's a loofah? Oh wait! I know... the German air force!
TERENCE: That's the Luftwaffe you moron.
CHAD: [looks at crossword in amazement] Holy crap! [writes]
TERENCE: It's a bath sponge, like the one I keep on the second shelf in the shower under the irish spring.
CARLY: [blank look]
TERENCE: You know, a bath sponge? It's the remains of some kind of undersea creature, a sponge I think, and you use it to wash yourself?
CARLY: You're keeping a dead sea creature in our bathroom?
TERENCE: No, they also make synthetic ones that are a lot softer. Mine was synthetic.
CHAD: They're not sea creatures.
TERENCE: Eh?
CHAD: Natural loofahs are the fibrous portion of the loofah fruit which grows on the vines of the loofah plant. These old world plants are often cultivated here in the USA and also in Central and South America. The loofah fruit looks like a giant zuchini when ripe. The fibrous interior can be used as a bath sponge, a dish sponge, a strainer, or can even be fashioned into footwear and other products.
TERENCE: You can make shoes from loofahs?
CHAD: Sure.
CARLY: So you could have been talking about their shoes after all.
TERENCE: Stop it, stop.
CARLY: Maybe their loafers are made from loofahs. Loofah loafers. The perfect thing to wear when you're standing aloof.
TERENCE: They don't have--
CHAD: Loofah footwear is more like a sandal actually--
TERENCE: [to Chad] Thank you Doctor Boring for yet another exciting installment of Who Gives a Fuck?
CHAD: [shrugs] Whatever. [looks at crossword]
TERENCE: [to Carly] Justin was saying that their loofahs have gone missing.
CHAD: 21 down, a vanishing sound, 4 letters. [looks at Carly and Terence expectantly]
CARLY: Their loofahs went poof?
CHAD: [nods, writes on crossword]
TERENCE: In a manner of speaking. Remember when we all went over there last Friday for dinner?
CHAD: Bungled, six letters.
CARLY: Yeah. Me and Simone made dinner while you, Chad, and Justin goofed off.
CHAD: [nods] Goofed, yep. [writes on crossword] fakes, 6 letters, starts with S.
TERENCE: We weren't goofing off, we were talking about network security and protecting against IP spoofs.
CHAD: Spoofs. [writes on crossword] Slatted openings. Slatted openings. Hmm. 7 letters.
CARLY: Like I said, goofing off, so anyway?
TERENCE: Well. [sits up, suddenly shakes head as if dizzy] Damn this couch stinks! It's like being in a perfume shop. Open the louvers will ya?
CHAD: [snaps fingers] Louvers! Yes!
CARLY: [goes to window and opens louvers] I thought you said it smelled nice.
TERENCE: To a point, yes, but it's becoming overpowering. [notices Chad staring at him] What?
CHAD: 6 letters, supine sledders.
TERENCE: [gets up, takes newspaper from Chad and throws it into the corner] Quit it already, will you?
CHAD: Killjoy. [he goes to gather up paper]
TERENCE: [to Carly] Anyway their loofahs went missing that night and they haven't seen them since. Justin was going on and on about it.
CARLY: So what do they think happened?
TERENCE: I don't know I asked them the same thing, and Simone just threw her arms up into the air and stared at me. I think she thinks I took them. Which is crazy... what the heck would I want with their loofahs?
CARLY: So then what happened? [Having recovered his crossword, Chad sits down again.]
TERENCE: Nothing. I was fed up. She was standing aloof with her arms aloft... so I left. I think they're expecting me to buy them new loofahs, and that ain't happening.
CARLY: Listen, I have to admit, I have no idea what a loofah even looks like.
TERENCE: *groan* Hang on I'll go get mine. What kind of idiot has never seen a loofah before? [walks out]
CHAD: Seven letters, abrasive vegetation.
CARLY: T-E-R-E-N-C-E
TERENCE: [in the loo] Ha ha. I told you I keep it under the irish spring, how could you not have seen it? It's the blue thing that looks like fine netting in a ball with a string coming out.
CARLY: [suddenly gets a look of realization on her face] Oh uh, that old thing?
TERENCE: [yelling from loo] Hey, where's my loofah?
CHAD: [calling] Should be right next to my yellow one!
TERENCE: [yelling from loo] Yours isn't here either!
CHAD: [confused look] What? [walks out] Where is it?
TERENCE: [in loo] Beats me. There's no sign of it.
CHAD: [in loo] We're loofahless?
TERENCE: [returns] Looks like our loofahs are missing too. How weird is that? Who would want to steal a bunch of loofahs, what would you do with so many?
CARLY: Ummm. [glances at couch]
TERENCE: What? [glances at couch] Waitaminute, now I remember that smell. It's IRISH SPRING!!! [he grabs a cushion and rips it open, dozens of loofahs spill out] You've gotta be kidding me!!!
CARLY: [shrugs]