So this morning I tried to process an order a customer had sent me last night.  I went to log into my photolab service provider, exposuremanager.com, just like I always do.  Bzzzt.  Can't get in.  "This link appears to be broken."

Huh, maybe it's my machine.  So I try my daughter's machine, nope she can't see it either.  Internet down?  Nope I can get my email and see all the other sites I use regularly.

So I (reasonably) assume exposuremanager is down.  That's not too cool--because while it is down my customers can't place orders.  So I call customer support and leave them a message that their site is down.

A little while later I get an e-mail from them stating their site is up and running fine (and by the way, nice pictures on your site!) Thanks, but I still can't get in.

So I try the DOS utility "ping" to ping their server.  Sometimes it can't resolve exposuremanager to an IP address (implying a problem with a domain name server at Comcast) and other times it can resolve the IP address but gets no response.  I check with WHOIS on Tucows (their registrar) to see if their domain has expired, but it hasn't.  WTF?

So then I run a traceroute in an attempt to see where the communication fails between me and exposuremanager:

Tracing route to exposuremanager.com [66.254.91.235]

over a maximum of 30 hops:

  1    <1 ms    <1 ms    <1 ms  www.routerlogin.com [192.168.1.1]

  2     7 ms    10 ms     7 ms  [ my IP omitted ]

  3     8 ms     8 ms     6 ms  ge-1-2-ur01.gardner.ma.boston.comcast.net [68.85.187.109]

  4    11 ms    10 ms     9 ms  te-0-8-0-2-ar01.woburn.ma.boston.comcast.net [68.85.162.93]

  5    14 ms     9 ms     9 ms  pos-0-15-0-0-ar01.needham.ma.boston.comcast.net [68.85.162.145]

  6    15 ms    14 ms    22 ms  pos-0-0-0-0-ar01.chartford.ct.hartford.comcast.net [68.85.162.70]

  7    16 ms    18 ms    17 ms  pos-2-4-0-0-cr01.newyork.ny.ibone.comcast.net [68.86.90.61]

  8    22 ms    18 ms    17 ms  Vlan546.icore1.NJY-Newark.as6453.net [206.82.132.41]

  9    17 ms    45 ms    18 ms  if-6-0-0-25.mcore3.NJY-Newark.as6453.net [216.6.57.41]

 10    19 ms    17 ms    18 ms  if-2-0.core1.NTO-NewYork.as6453.net [216.6.57.66]

 11    17 ms    18 ms    19 ms  sl-gw31-nyc-14-0-0.sprintlink.net [160.81.249.29]

 12    18 ms    19 ms    17 ms  sl-crs2-nyc-0-2-0-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.13.35]

 13    23 ms    27 ms    19 ms  sl-bb20-msq-2-0-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.20.74]

 14    22 ms    22 ms    24 ms  sl-bb21-msq-15-0-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.9.110]

 15    26 ms    26 ms    27 ms  sl-crs1-rly-0-8-5-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.20.73]

 16    25 ms    25 ms    26 ms  sl-bb20-dc-5-0-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.8.162]

 17    24 ms    28 ms    25 ms  sl-crs1-dc-0-0-0-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.15.11]

 18    74 ms    73 ms    74 ms  sl-crs2-fw-0-11-3-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.19.200]

 19     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 20     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 21     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 22     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 23     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 24     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 25     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 26     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 27     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 28     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 29     *        *        *     Request timed out.

 30     *        *        *     Request timed out.

Trace complete.

As you can see, the communication makes it to "sl-crs2-fw-0-11-3-0.sprintlink.net [144.232.19.200]" and then fails.  Sprintlink.net is inside of the Sprint network.  To get as far as I did required the services of three companies, Comcast (comcast.net),  Tata Communications (as6453.net), and Sprint (sprintlink.net). None of these companies is my company (sagewoodstudios.com) or my photolab service provider (exposuremanager.com).  In fact after the last hop, I don't know what the next address would be--it might be a fourth company, or another server in the Sprint network.  Exposure Manager can't help me--it's not their computer.  Comcast can't help me--it's not their computer either.  Sprint *might* be able to help me, but I'm not their customer. 

What I do know is, if I didn't have to use this route, I would indeed be able to get there.  I found an online provider of the standard 'net tools (ping, traceroute, etc.) called Network-Tools.com (that's a handy link btw, you might want to bookmark it).  I can get to their server to see their website, and when I ask THEM to do a traceroute to exposuremanager, they can get there just fine:

TraceRoute to 66.254.91.235 [exposuremanager.com]

Hop

(ms)

(ms)

(ms)

IP Address

Host name

1

8

6

6

206.123.69.137

-

2

9

6

6

8.9.232.73

xe-5-3-0.edge3.dallas1.level3.net

3

12

7

7

4.69.145.140

ae-3-80.edge2.dallas3.level3.net

4

8

15

6

4.71.220.14

xo-communic.edge2.dallas3.level3.net

5

10

12

9

207.88.13.122

207.88.13.122.ptr.us.xo.net

6

41

40

40

207.88.12.46

207.88.12.46.ptr.us.xo.net

7

41

40

40

65.106.1.69

65.106.1.69.ptr.us.xo.net

8

41

49

52

65.106.5.10

p0-0-0.mar2.la-ca.us.xo.net

9

46

40

40

207.88.81.170

p15-0.chr1.la-ca.us.xo.net

10

50

44

45

66.238.50.106

66.238.50.106.ptr.us.xo.net

11

53

45

47

66.254.64.1

gw1.pixelgate.net

12

53

50

47

66.254.91.235

host235.exposuremanager.com

Trace complete

As you can see, because they are starting from a different provider (level3.net) their communication path takes a different route that never involves any of the companies I'm forced to use.  If Network-Tools.com provided a "browser in a browser" basically an embedded frame that I could point anywhere I want to, I'd be able to get to my photolab and process my customer's orders.

In the meantime I'm pretty stuck.  I can't help my customers, and my service provider can't help me.  Welcome to the Internet... where you really "can't get thar from hyar".

I spent several hours mining Google and tweaking to get this query right.  This has never been a technical blog, but considering what a pain this was to chase down, I figured I should post it here for others.

This query will list all the tables and columns in a SQL Server 2000 database, including column data type, length, precision, scale, nullable flag, if the column is part of a unique constraint, if the column is part of the primary key, the foreign table referenced by the column if it is a foreign key, and the default value of the column if it has one.

The output is suitable for pasting into Excel or Word to create database reports.  (Yes I'm sure there are 3rd party tools, and stored procedures to get all this info, but what I needed was ONE query which did it all and returned it as this query does.)

select T.name as TableName, C.colorder, C.name as ColumnName, TY.name as datatype,
       c.length, c.prec, c.scale, c.isnullable, UO.name as UniqueConstraint,
       IX.name as PKConstraint, SR.name as ReferencesTable, SM.Text as DefaultValue

  from sysobjects as T
 inner join syscolumns as C on (C.id = T.id)
 inner join systypes as TY on (TY.xtype = C.xtype)
  left join sysindexkeys as K on C.colid = K.colid and K.id=T.id
  left join sysindexes as I on I.id=T.id and I.indid=K.indid
  left join sysobjects as IX on IX.parent_obj=T.id and IX.name = I.name and IX.xtype='PK'
  left join sysconstraints as CO on (C.colid=CO.colid and CO.id=T.id)
  left join sysforeignkeys as FK on (T.id = FK.fkeyid and FK.constid=CO.constid)
  left join sysobjects as SR on (SR.id = FK.rkeyid)
  left join syscomments SM on C.cdefault = SM.id 
  left join sysindexkeys as UK on C.colid = UK.colid and UK.id=T.id
  left join sysindexes as UI on UI.id=T.id and UI.indid=K.indid
  left join sysobjects as UO on (UO.parent_obj=T.id and UO.name=UI.name and UO.xtype='UQ')

where T.xtype = 'U'
order by T.name, C.colorder;

NOTE: This story is chapter 3, the sequel to the previous chapter.  If you have not already read the first chapter or second chapter, you may wish to check them out first.

The visit with Ellan and Tyr had been long and leisurely, thirteen wonderful years exploring the seas of Regulus-4, a world Ellan had named Ouan. Mara and Kennis had swum as merfolk, scaled the few rocky crags of Ouan with the Hooth, slothlike ursines, and had even spent a few solitary weeks relaxing on beaches of lavender sand, their lungs altered to process the chemical soup that constituted Ouan's atmosphere.

Mara wrote many books, including a meditative collection of poems about her former lover Tyr. She had been nervous that Kennis would feel slighted, but her devotion to Mara was total. "I cannot possess you my love," Kennis had said, gazing at her in the amber moonlight of a warm night on Ouan, "and I will accept whatever part of your life you choose to share with me. It would unreasonable to assume that I should own your history. Besides, Tyr is remarkable, why not write songs for her? I thought your book was lovely."

"Oh Kennis," Mara had began, but she could not finish the sentence. Kennis truly was the love of her life, and she was ever reminded of it.

"I love you too, Mara. Who knows, perhaps you shall write a book for me some day."

"There aren't words to describe this love."

As the months passed into years, eventually Mara's thoughts returned to the notion of recreating humans on another planet--with the necessary biological alterations to survive there. She began scanning the catalogues of known worlds to find a suitable candidate. Though millions of worlds had been visited by Homo imortalis, few matched the criteria she was seeking. There were some good candidates, but they were precariously close to other worlds which had thriving ecosystems and nonsentient inhabitants, and given the human penchant for warfare and conquest, Mara had no desire to create a species that would become a scourge.

There was, she realized, a fairly awesome responsibility in creating a species. She had been contacted by a number of people who had expressed a number of opinions on her books on the subject, some positive and some negative. But she was not daunted, even when she reached the end of the catalogue with no acceptable candidates. She instructed Hab to inform her of new entries in the catalog as they arose, but so far there had been no match.

As the visit with Ellan and Tyr drew to a close she mentioned to Tyr the difficulty she was having in finding a suitable world one day when they were exploring warm coastal waters in a calm cove of one of Ouan's largest islands. "You've been through the entire catalog?" Tyr asked, her fins arranged in a peculiar manner that Mara had learned conveyed surprise.

"Yes, " Mara responded, "three million, one hundred seventy six thousand, eight hundred thirteen worlds. And counting..."

"My love, you are obsessed."

"Well you know me when I get an idea."

"Indeed I do. Well what now then?"

"I suppose I shall simply have to begin exploring worlds myself. All it will take is time."

Tyr was quiet for awhile. "There may be another option, Mara."

"What?"

"Long before I met you I briefly met an immortal named Bruk, a staggeringly old being who had taken up the task of cataloging every world in the Milky Way--with the intent of eventually leaving this galaxy to begin cataloging the worlds of other galaxies."

"Well if Bruk's work is already in the catalog--"

"It is not."

"What? Why?"

"Bruk is... eccentric and something of a hermit. In my entire life I have only known two Alphans, and Bruk is one. Suffice it to say these catalogs are kept in Bruk's private library. But I suppose you could ask..."

"An Alphan!" Mara had never met one. When nanotechnology changed a subset of Homo sapiens into Homo lentus, those modified humans had much longer lifespans. But the span of Homo lentus as a species was only five hundred years, as by that time technology had advanced to the point where Homo lentus became Homo immortalis--humans with an infinite lifespan. Those humans who were born as Homo lentus and changed to Homo immortalis were called Betans, and those rare few who were born Homo sapiens and transitioned first to Homo lentus and then to Homo immortalis were Alphans, and they were very rare indeed. The typical lentus lifespan had been 350 years, an Alphan would have been extremely old when the transition to immortality became available--at that point of course the aging could largely be reversed. But the Alphan viewpoint was often very unique as it was that of a single being that had actually been three different species--to say nothing of the extreme age of such beings. Mara had been born Homo immortalis, as had her mothers Chen and Cyrce. That put her in the majority of the species, a subset known as Gammans.

As an Alphan, Bruk would be nearly two and a half million years old, and if she had indeed been cataloging worlds for much of that time, she might indeed know of a planet upon which Mara could recreate Homo sapiens.

"How do you know this being?" Mara asked.

"Bruk is one of my ancestors, by twelve generations, we met at a family reunion. It was a bizarre experience. If you decide to make contact, I'd suggest you mention me--Bruk's got a soft spot for progeny."

That evening, back in Kennis' arms, Mara had composed a brief message to Bruk.

Greetings Bruk: I am the former partner of your granddaughter Tyr, my name is Mara. She encouraged me to speak with you. I am seeking a particular world--one with an environment very similar to that of Earth when it was inhabited by Homo sapiens, but fairly remote with respect to other worlds which are inhabited. Tyr mentioned your extensive catalog and I was hoping you might know of such a world. Please contact me if you are able to help. I've attached specific criteria ranges to this message. Thank you.

After running it past Kennis, she transmitted the message through her network receiver and was surprised to receive a response almost immediately. But it was not from the Alphan, but instead was being sent by a hab.

[You (and no guests) will be received at Bruk's hab in one week's time. Come to moon three of planet five of the red dwarf star at galactic coordinates (-28599.99876, -31200.09384, 112.54015). The visit is not to exceed 90 minutes.]

"It's pretty brusque, Mara. Why does she not ask after Tyr? Why does she not contact you herself? And she permits you no guests? Why do you have to go and see her at all? Surely she could simply transmit the data if she really wanted to help."

"Well she's an Alphan... and Tyr warned that she was eccentric and reclusive. I suppose I should be grateful that she is even willing to discuss it with me. It could save me hundreds of thousands of years of exploration."

In the end, Kennis couldn't deny that point, and so over the next week they had made their goodbyes to Ellan and Tyr, and after one last swim in the seas of Ouan, had reverted their biological adaptations, returned to their own hab, and set off to find Bruk on the other side of the galaxy.

The quantum transition from Regulus to the system that Bruk's message had indicated was instantaneous. The star was a massive red giant, long past its exuberant youth and into its twilight years. The fifth planet, a terrestrial sort of world, may have at one time supported life, but the vastly expanded sun had boiled away its atmosphere and left it a darkened, scorched, cinder.

Their hab arrived as Kennis and Mara shared a bath, and at their request displayed an image of the planet on the bath wall. Mara had queried the catalog before they had set off and found the world was not on file--it seemed odd to have no name to call it by. Kennis, however, quickly supplied one.

"Perdition?" Mara asked.

"Yes, from ancient mythology--a place of utter ruin and damnation. Why would anyone choose to live here?"

"Well, Bruk asked us to meet her here. I've no idea if this is where she actually lives."

Kennis' arms slithered around her waist from behind under the water, and drew her close. Mara smirked as Kennis kissed her ear and whispered "come meet me in the sunny flames of Perdition, there's nothing like a dead world as a setting to make a great first impression."

Mara looked back over her shoulder, cocked an eyebrow, and kissed Kennis on the lips. She returned the kiss enthusiastically. Is it me? Or did Perdition just get hotter? Kennis transmitted, and then yelped as Mara's hands found their mark, that ticklish spot just above her knee. Mara laughed then, full of mischief and easy familiarity.

"Mara! You wicked girl!" Kennis scolded playfully. It was at this point, typically, that the splashing began, and this time was no exception.

[Twenty minutes to dock]

"Hab! Kennis splashed me." Mara pretended to complain.

[I compute a 93% likelihood that this is because you tickled her. Again.]

"I fall for that every time," Kennis said, "you'd think I'd see it coming by now."

Mara turned to face Kennis and pressed up against her, her heady scent washing over Kennis. "Ah my love, of course you see it coming, and you let me do it anyway because you love me so." The kiss that followed was long and luxurious, and left their hearts thudding. Kennis gazed into Mara's hypnotic brown eyes.

"My love, if you do not get out of this bath right now, I fear you are going to be a few hundred years late for your meeting with Bruk."

"Well we can't have THAT. I get the sense that Bruk is a little preoccupied with time. 'Meet in one weeks time', 'The visit is not to exceed 90 minutes', la la la..."

Kennis leaned back as Mara rose from the bath, the water running in rivulets on her dark skin. "Well perhaps she chose such a cheery place precisely because she doesn't want you to stay too long."

Mara laughed as she reached for a freshly synthesized towel and began drying herself off. "You may be right Kennis. I suppose the location has an austere sort of beauty, but it is at the same time quite depressing. Can you imagine actually living in such a place?"

[Commencing landing procedures.]

Mara froze, and glanced at Kennis, who's face mirrored her thoughts. "Landing procedures?" she said, incredulous.

[Yes. Bruk's hab appears to be largely buried under the surface of Perdition's third moon. Docking will require landing, and deployment of the umbilicus.]

The umbilicus was a flexible docking tunnel sometimes used to connect habs when straightforward docking was not possible.

"Kennis... she DOES live here."

As the hab counted off the minutes to docking, Mara's cloud of nanos rapidly styled her hair and synthesized a satiny magenta sari for her with golden accents and, as always, decorative sandals. She spun once for Kennis.

"How do I look, my dear?"

"I think after you leave I shall have to switch from a warm bath to a cold shower."

After a brief goodbye kiss, Mara made her way to the man airlock. The hab touched down on the cratered surface of the barren lifeless satellite of Perdition. Bruk's hab was entirely buried under rocky hill, with only the upper airlock protruding from the soil. The upper airlock entrance was horizontally oriented, and would have to be entered from above via a ladder. With a whir the umbilicus extended, curving into place, and connected with Bruk's hab in a series of clacks and clinks.

Undaunted, Mara picked her way along the umbilicus and descended the ladder into Bruk's hab. The entrance chamber was dimly lit, and the floor resembled polished wood. Mara was not used to disarray, and was alarmed to see stacked rectangular objects in somewhat careless piles about the room, and everything covered in a fine layer of dust. Standing at the opposite end of the chamber was an odd looking woman dressed in a thick sweater, slacks, and boots, all black. Mara had never seen anyone like her--she was somewhat plump, her hair curly and gray, and fine wrinkles stretched across the skin of her face in various places. She was, Mara suddenly realized, old--which given the capabilities of the nanos meant that she had chosen to age. She smiled faintly at Mara as Mara walked over to her and held out her hand.

"You must be Bruk. I am Mara, I am delighted to meet you."

"Greetings Mara. Welcome to the habitat of Bruk. You have been granted limited guest access to basic habitat functions. You may call me Habitha."

It was a synth, Mara realized, an automaton composed entirely of nanos--a physical representation of the Hab itself. Seeing as Bruk lived alone, she perhaps found comfort in a synthetic companion of sorts.

"Thank you Habitha, will you take me to Bruk?"

"Yes, the master has been expecting you."

The master? Mara wondered. "Where is your master?"

"Most likely in the library. Shall we go? Master Bruk does not like to be kept waiting."

"Yes please. And do pass along the message that I have arrived in the meantime."

"I cannot. The master does not have a network receiver."

"What?"

"Master Bruk does not wish to be connected to the network."

Mara was stupefied. The network was essentially a compendium of human knowledge and experience, the idea that someone would not want access to it was mind-boggling to her. Habitha led her through several dark passages and cramped rooms, all piled with the same sorts of rectangular objects as she had seen in the entrance hall. "Habitha, why is everything covered in dust?"

"The master prefers it that way."

"Why are there piles of ... things in hallways and areas not meant for storage?"

"The master prefers it that way."

As Mara was becoming used to the odd musty scent in the air, the synth opened a hinged door and led her into a warmly lit and spacious chamber. There were a number of couches covered in worn brown fabric, standing lamps, standing shelves, and shelves lining the walls, filled with... "Books!" Mara said aloud, suddenly realizing what Bruk had scattered all over her hab. Thousands upon thousands of books, in print, on pages most likely made of a synthesized paper. "Habitha, why does..."

"The master prefers it that way." the synth said, with a trace of irritation.

"Of course." Mara said, taken slightly aback. Then the automaton began speaking louder. "Master Bruk?"

"Yes?" an odd voice responded from somewhere in the stacks.

"Miss Mara is here to see you."

Miss? Mara wondered. Nobody had ever called her 'Miss' Mara before.

"Who?" the strangely creaky voice asked.

"Miss Mara. Former wife of your granddaughter Miss Tyr?", the synth paused for a moment, but apart from the sound of rustling papers there was no response. "Whom you agreed to meet?", another pause, again met with shuffling sounds. "TODAY?" the synth tapped its foot impatiently. Mara couldn't help but smile, it was an impressive simulation.

"Dammit Habby, where did you put my notes?"

The synth glanced at Mara. "Just a minute, Mara," it said, and then wandered off into the stacks in the general direction of the voice, soon disappearing out of sight.

"If you would actually let me clean up around here, you might actually be able to find your notes."

"Don't touch anything, you'll ruin my whole system."

More frenzied rustling noises emanated from the stacks, followed by the sound of a large pile of books and papers toppling to the floor. Mara put a hand over her mouth.

"Well don't just stand there. Help me with this."

"Oh now you want my help do you?"

"Habitha..."

"I could put this entire hab in order in moments, but no..."

"Habby..."

"*sigh* Here they are. You were SITTING on them." At this there was a lengthy pause. "All part of your system?" Mara tried to stifle her laughter.

"Isn't there something else you have to do right now?" Bruk asked, clearly irritated.

The synth emerged shortly thereafter and smiled wanly at Mara. "The master will see you now, " it said, before leaving the chamber and shutting the hinged door behind it.

Moments later Bruk emerged from the stacks and approached Mara with a smile. She wore grey slacks, a powder blue button-down shirt, and a tweed jacket which had a bit of wear on it. It was immediately apparent why her voice had sounded so strange--Bruk was expressing male! For whatever reason, Bruk had expressed her male genes, causing her to have a male physique. She had chosen not only to be male, but to also be quite old... receding hairline, wispy white hair, and a neatly cropped white beard. She wore a pair of rimmed lenses over her eyes.

Mara was immediately alarmed. Generally immortals only expressed male when they intended to breed, or on rare occasions for sexual play. Mara began to wonder exactly what Bruk had in mind, and immediately backed away from her.

"I'm sorry Bruk." Mara said, holding up a hand, "I did not come here to breed."

A pained look crossed Bruk's face. "Oh for goodness sake. I didn't invite you here to breed."

"Then why are you expressing male?"

"I'm not expressing male, young lady. I *am* male."

"What?"

"I'm not a Gamman like you, Mara. I was born Homo sapiens, on Earth, as a male. My parents got me into the Lentus program when I was 16, and I didn't make the transition to Immortalis until I was 492. I wasn't just born an immortal female like you."

"But don't you have a standard immortalis genome?"

"Of course."

"Well, why don't you just express female?"

"Because I'm not a female!"

"I don't understand."

"No I suppose you wouldn't. Let me put it another way. Your appearance is Indian."

"Yes, my ancestors hailed from India."

"Right, but with the immortalis genome you can express however you like, so why don't you express as caucasian?"

"Well I could but..." her voice trailed off.

"But you're not caucasian are you? Your Indian appearance is part of your identity--you might choose to express differently in certain occasions, but your natural state is as you are."

Mara wore a chagrined expression. "I'm sorry Bruk, I misunderstood."

"Well, " he said with a sigh, "you wouldn't be the first. I'm a real hit at parties."

Mara giggled.

"I suppose Tyr didn't warn you either."

"No, she didn't. Tyr thinks I place too much emphasis on physical appearance, I suspect she thought it would be good for me to meet you unprepared."

"Uh-huh. She's a fish. And she thinks YOU need help?"

Mara laughed suddenly. Tyr was right, Bruk was quite a character.

"Would you like some tea?"

"I'd love some, but we only have 90 minutes, I don't want to take up too much of your time."

"Oh that's just Habby trying to manage my schedule. I swear she thinks she's in charge," Bruk said, and then raised his voice, "Habby?" he called, and then jumped as the synth materialized next to him.

"Yes Master Bruk?"

"How many times have I told you not to pop in and out like that? You walk in and out of the door like a normal person."

"Yes of course, that's much more efficient."

Bruk stared at the synth for a moment. "Go get us some tea."

"You had six worlds slated for this afternoon."

"Extend my schedule. After you go and get us some tea."

"Yes Master Bruk," the synth said and promptly dematerialized.

The miffed expression on his face was priceless. Mara laughed again.

Shortly thereafter, the synth returned, this time using the hinged door, carrying a platter upon which was a porcelain decanter, teacups, and various other containers.

While Habitha and Bruk conversed, Mara studied the old man. The very notion of an "old man" seemed anachronistic--his mobility seemed somewhat limited, and his appearance was not youthful. But he still seemed beautiful in his own way, he had a dignity about him. Her eyes kept returning to his beard--she had never seen a person with one. Kennis had expressed male once or twice, but never long enough to have a beard--and Mara preferred Kennis in her natural state anyway. It seemed so strange a thing and yet it made Bruk appear distinguished--erudite. Now why should that be? Mara wondered. Why does a beard connote erudition?

His eyes were bright and blue and he seemed sharp and aware, but there was also an air of confusion about him. Absentmindedness was unheard of among immortals. Even if he should allow his body to age to some degree, that would not explain why he wouldn't remember his appointment with her. Or where he kept his notes. Or even why he had to take notes in the first place. The biology of the immortal brain was finite--it simply could not retain all the information in an infinite life--a large portion of the memory was stored in the data core of the hab, and maintained by a network of nanos which could transmit the information over considerable distances. The hab-core was quantum entangled to a backup core in a secure location, so in the event of the loss of a hab, the immortal's memory would not be lost. The communication between the immortal's brain, the nanos, and the habcores was essentially instantaneous--providing an infinite memory that was always accessible. To the immortal it was simply "remembering"--there was no effort involved, it simply happened--and had been designed that way, the immortal never knew whether her memories were biologically based or in "offsite storage". Even though Bruk had no network port, such a device was not a necessary component in the retrieval of memory.

"Well," Bruk said, after the tea had been set out and Habitha had departed, "before we talk planets, I imagine you have some questions for me. There are always questions. Anything else about me being male? Would you like to touch it?"

Mara thought that quite a nonsequitur and wondered just what exactly he was referring to. "Touch it?"

"My beard, " he said, "Gammans always seem to be preoccupied with it."

Mara felt a little embarrassed--she had been staring after all. "In truth, I have never seen a person with one. Yes, may I touch it?"

Bruk smiled and leaned forward to allow Mara to lightly caress his bearded chin. She wrinkled her nose slightly and drew her hand back.

"It's soft yet bristly, and it tickles to the touch. I think it quite charming."

"The ladies loved it back in the day. Anything else?"

"Why have you chosen to age?"

"Getting old is part of the human condition. I was much more "aged" than this when I made the transition to immortalis. But I couldn't bring myself to unwind all the years and go back to being the equivalent of 30 years old again. My life was almost over when I became immortal... being old was part of who I was. I wound the clock back to my 120's though, which is when I still had strength, mobility, and so forth. It would be like you going back to being an adolescent again."

"But is there not some discomfort in the age you have chosen?"

"Yes. But an eternally happy and painless existence is not natural."

"Excuse me?"

"How can one truly know happiness or pleasure, if one hasn't also known sadness or pain?"

"But a life need not have constant physical pain to make one appreciate happiness. I lost my beautiful Tyr many millennia ago and I am still saddened by it."

There was a brief mistiness in Bruk's eyes, as if he were seeing something long since gone. He came out of it almost immediately. "It pleases me to be a crotchety old fart full of discomfort. Anything else?"

"Why do you keep books?"

Bruk looked baffled. "To read, girl. Why else would I keep books?"

"You READ them?"

"Well of course I read them. How else am I going to learn what is in them?"

"But you could read them instantaneously if you had a network port, and then you wouldn't have to fill your hab with them."

"I'm a human being not a computer. Knowledge isn't supposed to just magically appear in your brain, you are supposed to work for it! Besides, I *like* reading books. Have you ever tried it?"

"Well. No not like you do. I suppose I should try it, perhaps I would like it too."

"Damn right you should. Everyone should. Why if I didn't read books you wouldn't be here."

"What do you mean?" Mara asked.

Bruk closed his eyes for a moment, and Mara instinctively took it as him sampling the network, but immediately realized that couldn't be the case. He was trying to remember something. Keeping his eyes closed, he began to recite, and Mara heard her own words coming from his mouth:

"...The truth alas I must concede
Both are blossoms, both are reeds,
Both the same, with different needs--
From the pistil comes no seed."

Opening his eyes, he took on an apologetic look "sorry if I didn't get it right."

"You read my book, Songs of Tyr?"

"Yes, and I savored every word. Marvelous poetry. It was pleasing to hear about Tyr from such a unique perspective. Poetry, there's a perfect example of something that should be experienced in its proper meter, slowly and thoughtfully. Fifty thousand years of love should not appear fully formed as a blip in the mind."

"My Kennis seemed to like it."

"Maybe SHE should read a book."

"I think she's just fine the way she is." Mara stated plainly. She did not like the implication that simply because she (or particularly Kennis) hadn't experienced something Bruk had, they were doing something wrong.

"But not Tyr." Bruk added, with a bit of challenge in his voice. Mara realized he didn't like the fact that she and Tyr were not together, and seemed to have directed that displeasure at Kennis. She found his rapid changes in direction and mood somewhat unsettling--he definitely didn't seem to think like any immortal she knew.

"I am not with Kennis because I thought there was something wrong with Tyr. As you should well know since you read Songs of Tyr, Tyr wanted something from me I could not give her. After awhile this began to make her unhappy, and I couldn't bear being the source of her unhappiness. So I let her go, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I will not sit here and be judged for it." She picked up a napkin from the platter and dabbed at her eyes.

"Well, " Bruk said "then you did what you thought was best for Tyr, and I can't begrudge you that. I'm sorry Mara. And she seemed quite happy with that girl... what's her name?"

"Ellan. How do you not know her name? You seem to have trouble with recollection--keeping notes, forgetting appointments, names, and so forth. Is your brain... damaged?"

"Damaged? No my brain isn't damaged. It's just not nano-assisted."

Mara's eyes widened in surprise. "You don't have nanomemory? But... how do you... remember?"

"Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I forget."

"But why would you--"

"Sometimes," he said, drawing in a pregnant breath, "you want to forget. And besides, I can't remember many of the details of my early life--this too is part of the human condition. I couldn't go from my natural state to a state of total recall. I don't need all those memories to be who I am."

Mara was speechless.

"Look. This tea we're about to have. It's a chamomile tea. Have you ever had chamomile tea before?"

"Yes, I had chamomile tea with Kennis and her friend Lispeth 113,761 years ago. We thought it might be a lark to eat a meal, so we had a breakfast of synthetic fruits and bread and listened to Lispeth's latest symphony--"

"This is exactly what I am talking about. Why do you NEED that memory? What has that got to do with anything? You're so busy data dumping the details of the event you forgot to say what the tea was like. Or if you even liked it."

"Perhaps if I had not been interrupted..." Mara said, tilting her head and cocking an eyebrow at Bruk with a little half smile.

Bruk smirked, "patience has never been a virtue of mine."

"Well, two and a half million years of impatience... it appears there's a test of wills between you and eternity."

"Yes, but I intend to win."

Mara laughed and then looked about alarmed as the room trembled slightly. "What was THAT?"

"Oh that's just the star. It will soon nova."

"Nova?!"

"Yes, at some point in the next few thousand years, it will catastrophically destroy itself, the end of its life. It's why Habitha is always after me about my schedule. I've wanted to complete my galactic survey before I die."

Mara knew that there were some rare few immortals that had chosen to die--some had simply become tired of living itself, others felt that they had accomplished everything they wanted to. Others had lost loved ones to tragic accidents and did not wish to continue existing afterward. That the alphan wished to die was nonetheless a completely alien concept to her.

"You choose to live here in Perdition because you wish to die?"

"Perdition?"

"Sorry, it's the name Kennis gave this star system--it had no name on record."

Bruk chuckled, "oh I like her, she sounds a sport. Much better than the name I chose--much better indeed. But yes, when Perdition dies, so will I."

He regarded her silently. The question was obvious but it would have been an invasion of his privacy to ask it. "You doubtless want to know why."

She nodded.

"I'm old, Mara. I don't just mean in appearance, I am incalculably old. Everything I recognize from my entire species has changed into something else. Earth itself is an alien ecosystem--there are no humans there. I've explored the galaxy for millions of years and made countless discoveries of worlds, other life forms, perplexing and beautifully complex planetary systems. I have discovered so much that the process of discovery itself holds no pleasure for me. What is there when newness itself is tedious?"

"You need not devote yourself to discovery. Why not create? Art? Music? Books? Share your discoveries with others and hear their thoughts? As it is you spend your life utterly alone with only a synth for companionship, why not seek a partner--someone to share your life with?"

"These are all arguments I've heard before, from Habitha herself. I had a partner Mara, a long time ago--another Alphan named Jyreeza. We were in the Lentus Program together, and I loved her dearly. We were both very old when the immortalis conversion became available, all of our children had undergone the process and they asked us to as well. We looked forward to seeing them grow, and an infinite future together seemed like paradise at the time."

Mara could sense what was coming--the immortalis conversion according to historical record had a 5% failure rate. "Jyreeza did not survive the conversion?"

He nodded, "and I've lived an eternity without her. I do not want another partner. I've lived a long time, Mara, and I think now, it is long enough. Death is part of what it means to be human."

She did not agree, but kept her thoughts to herself--it was an intensely private thing, and it was not her place to intrude. "I'm sorry, Bruk, I didn't mean to pry."

"That's fine. Take a sip of your tea before it gets cold."

She did so, and found it fabulously superior to the last chamomile tea she had sampled. "This is superb!"

"It's not synthetic. There's a greenhouse in my hab and I've grown the plants myself from the genetic database."

The room trembled again. Mara, are you feeling that? Hab says this star is pretty unstable. We probably shouldn't stay long. Kennis transmitted.

"Bruk, Kennis is concerned about Perdition putting us at risk."

"Tell her not to worry, Habitha has positioned an extensive network of probes around the star and she will be able to tell several hours before it goes nova."

Darling, Bruk's hab is monitoring the star closely and will be able to warn us well in advance of any actual danger. See you soon my love.

Keeping the bath warm for you... Kennis responded. Mara could almost feel Kennis smirking.

After they had finished the tea, Bruk led Mara through a series of hinged doors to another room full of bookshelves--these were filled with notebooks in which Bruk's observations of every world he had visited were recorded. Unlike the library, this room was fastidiously tidy. On a low circular table four notebooks had been set out.

"I had Habitha set these out earlier. There are several worlds in each one but among them four candidates which I think you will like of which one is my particular favorite, a world I called Shiran. Would you like to make a quick hop there to have a look at it?"

"Your hab is integrated into the mountainside... how will we do this? For that matter how have you been doing it all along?"

"Habitha is a hab within a hab, the outer hab is a relatively thin layer of infrastructure. You've been inside the inner hab for most of your time here--something I call the pod. The pod hops directly from inside the hab to any location of my choosing."

"But hops are imprecise--how do you get the pod back inside the hab?"

"The outer hab contains nanobeacons that communicate with the pod, allowing the pod to orient itself perfectly and hop back inside the outer hab."

"That's ingenious! Why have I never heard of this technology?"

"Because I haven't published it. Habitha maintains digital copies of my work which are set to be published the instant Perdition goes nova--my last contribution to my species. Now would you like to see Shiran?"

Bruk jumped suddenly as Habitha materialized. "Dammit woman, haven't I asked you not to do that?"

The synth pointedly ignored his irritation. "I've finished cleaning up the tea cups and have reorganized your schedule, master Bruk. But there is a failure in the nanobeacon network."

"A failure? What's this now?"

"The star's last disturbance seems to have disrupted the nanobeacons. I am effecting repairs but the pod cannot hop during the repair process."

Bruk handed the four notebooks to Mara. "Well, I guess you'll have to go without me then, everything you will need will be in there. Do you some good to read it."

There was another tremble, and at this a number of notebooks fell from their shelves in a heap.

"And it looks like I have plenty to do anyway." Bruk noted ruefully.

"Don't touch anything," Habitha said sharply, "you will mess up my whole system." She brushed past Bruk and began sorting the fallen notebooks.

Mara laughed. "Bruk, why don't you come with Kennis and I? We'll hop to Shiran and have a look, and then bring you back."

"Well..." Bruk began.

"Oh please, would you get him out of my hair for an afternoon? That would be marvelous." Habitha said without looking up.

"Habby. You know I prefer to stay here."

"Well I suppose you and I could spend the afternoon going over your schedule, " Habitha said sweetly with a sardonic smile, "if you think you'd enjoy that more."

Bruk held up his hands "fine, fine, fine." He looked at Mara, "you're sure you don't mind?"

"Not at all. We'd love to have you. I'll just let Kennis know you are coming--she's in the bath."

Habitha made a shooing motion with her hands. "Go on, go on, I've work to do and you are in my way."

Minutes later Bruk and Mara reentered her own hab. Having been warned in advance by Mara, Kennis was not at all surprised by Bruk's appearance, but strangely he was surprised at hers. She had adorned a small tiara, gold bracelets, and necklaces of jade beads and bits of coral. Mara thought she looked lovely. Bruk thought otherwise.

"Hello Bruk, welcome to our hab. I am Kennis. Mara has told me about your visit. I'm pleased that you have decided to visit with us."

"Goodness, girl, put on some clothes!" he responded, averting his eyes.

"What?" she said glancing down at herself "Am I so repulsive?"

"Would you please dress?"

Bruk's a bit eccentric Kennis, maybe you should put something on. *I* think you are beautiful. Mara transmitted.

"Very well, if you insist. I apologize for offending you though I don't see what the problem is." She placed her hands on her hips and waited as a mist of nanos surrounded her and synthesized a satin kimono, turquoise with lapis accents. "Better?"

Bruk glanced at her, "Much. Sorry Kennis, in my day, people didn't greet guests unclothed--that was reserved for lovers."

"I apologize."

"No that's... that's fine." He seemed quite shaken, much to Mara and Kennis' amusement.

"Well it's good to know that if I get tired of your presence I have a sure fire way to get rid of you." Kennis said, with a smirk.

"Kennis!" Mara said, partly shocked but still laughing.

Bruk glanced at Mara, "Oh I *do* like her."

After the pleasantries, including Kennis touching Bruk's beard, they retired to the atrium where Bruk read the coordinates of Shiran from his notebook, aloud, and the hab disengaged from his own, lifted off and made the hop. Immediately an immense swirl of stars became visible through the windows of the atrium. Both Mara and Kennis were transfixed by it--it was a galaxy.

"Where are we?" Mara asked.

"We are in the Small Magellanic Cloud, you are looking at the Milky Way." Bruk said, "Hab, can we have a view of Shiran?"

An image appeared on the atrium wall of a terrestrial world--blue and green and dotted with white clouds.

"Shiran." Bruk said simply.

"It's beautiful, Bruk. How does it come by this environment? Is that vegetation?"

"It is. From my survey here I was able to discern that Shiran was once inhabited by a sentient species--ruins on the surface make this clear. But they were wiped out by a disease that they were unable to cure. All that remains is some limited vegetation and microbial life. The biochemistry is very similar to that of Earth--you should be able to create humans here with minor alterations to allow them to metabolize this vegetation. You could also seed the environment with various species from Earth, but of course they'll all need to be altered slightly. Gravity is 1.1 G, rotation period is 31 hours, two satellites, one very tiny (350 km diameter--probably a captured asteroid) and one much larger (2100 km diameter.) Atmospheric makeup is similar to Earth's but has enough differences that genetic modification will be required. Not too bad though. All in all it's a perfect fit for your requirements. Would you like to go down and have a look?"

"Yes! It sounds marvelous. Kennis, will you come?"

"Of course, darling."

[Proximity warning. A traveler is arriving.] Hab transmitted.

"What?" Mara said aloud, while Kennis glanced out the window.

Bruk looked at her strangely. "I didn't say anything," he said.

"Hab, Bruk has no network port, please address all common broadcasts vocally."

"Yes Mara, " the disembodied voice of the hab filled the air, " apologies Bruk, I was not aware that you were not network enabled. Welcome to the hab of Mara and Kennis, you have been granted full guest access to all hab functions."

"Thank you, please repeat your last broadcast."

"Proximity warning. A traveler is arriving. Vehicle has hopped in and is entering orbit around Shiran."

Mara was crestfallen--"could the original inhabitants of this world be returning to claim it?"

"No, I don't understand it. From my brief survey I saw no evidence of a space faring culture. Hab, can we have a view of the visitor?"

The image on the atrium wall flickered and showed an oblong vessel, roughly ovoid, with no visible markings or windows--just a pair of hatches and an otherwise featureless hull of dark gray metal.

"What is that?" Mara asked.

"The pod." Bruk said, and with sudden realization, "Damn you Habitha."

"The what?" Kennis asked.

Hab began vocalizing again, "Mara, you asked to be notified of new entries in the planetary catalog. Catalog size has just increased by 1,512,378 worlds."

"DAMN YOU HABITHA!" Bruk exploded. "Nanobeacon failure my foot! Dammit!"

"Incoming data stream from other vessel. Vessel identifies itself as the hab of Bruk, and requests access rights to manifest a synth. Mara or Kennis, will you receive this stream?" Hab announced.

"Yes." Kennis and Mara said together. Instantly, Habitha appeared in a swirl of nanos.

"Your works have been published in accordance with your wishes, master Bruk."

"They were supposed to be published in the event of my death, Habitha."

"Your specific instructions were to publish them when Perdition became a nova."

"Yes, and I was supposed to be there at the time."

"I am aware of that."

"You lied to me, Habby."

"Yes I did. I carried out my prime directive through the only means you left me."

A hab's prime directive was to protect its occupants at all costs.

"The prime directive includes a right to die clause, Habitha."

"Bruk, " the synth said, taking on an unsettlingly human tone, " you coded me to look like her, think like her, and act like her. What would she have done?"

His eyes filled with tears. "Habitha, please delete all iterations of the Kindred program."

Habitha nodded and said with a smile, "I think that's best." Immediately the synth collapsed into a cloud of nanos that streamed away through various vents.

"Goodbye Jyreeza, " he whispered softly.

So early this morning I couldn't sleep and I ended up writing an article on flickr in one of the many "what lens should I buy" discussions that goes on there.  I have noticed, in my days on flickr, that certain pieces of equipment and certain techniques have a following, and often get recommended simply because of the following rather than because the equipment/technique is actually suited to the purpose of the person asking.  In an effort to supply a counterbalancing opinion, I found myself in need of trigonometry.

The Argument

One such "cult" item is the "nifty fifty" (the EF 50mm f/1.8) lens made for Canon EOS cameras.  It is very sharp, very fast, and very cheap ($80).  If you are on a tight budget (or even if you aren't) it makes sense to have one for your EOS camera unless you have a better 50mm prime, or don't need a 50mm prime.

While I will not argue that it is probably one of the best value-for-money lenses, it is not versatile at all, and yet it seems to get hailed as a magic-bullet lens.  I regularly see people making claims like "it never comes off my camera".  And after having used it myself, I can only conclude that these people shoot one type of thing and one type of thing only, or it never comes off because they don't own any other lenses.

There is a certain love affair with the 50mm focal length because it was the standard focal length for 35mm film for decades.  But in the age of digital SLR cameras, things are different for the less expensive consumer DSLRs.  These DSLR's tend to use an image sensor that is smaller than 35mm film.  The APS-C style sensor, or crop sensor, does not render the entire image cast by a standard lens, but only a smaller piece in the center.  This results in an apparent magnification factor of 1.6.  Hence if you put a 50mm lens on a crop-sensor camera, it's like working with an 80mm lens (50 x 1.6 = 80).  The end result is a smaller-than-expected "field of view" (FOV).

On an old Canon 35mm film camera, a 50mm lens has a FOV of 46°.  But on a crop-sensor camera the FOV is a hair under 29°.  This loss of over a third of the FOV means that on crop-sensor cameras the EF 50mm f/1.8 lens has distinct limitations as to how much you can fit in the frame.

Fortunately, on my EOS 5D the 50mm behaves as expected. Because the 5D is a full frame camera, its sensor is the same size as a 35mm film frame.  So I get 46° out of my EF 50mm, just as nature intended.

The "nifty fifty" on crop-sensor cameras is often described as a "portrait lens".  With the crop factor, the 50mm lens behaves like an 80mm lens, and 80mm is ideal for portraits.  But if you want to shoot anything larger than a head-and-shoulders portrait with the EF 50 1.8 on your Rebel XT or 30D, you'd better have a lot of room behind you, because you are going to need to back up... a lot.

But how much?

The Trigonometry

Well that's where the trig comes in (you can skip this section if you don't want to see how I figured it out).  In order for me to say how much, I needed to be able to reliably compute the distance necessary to view an object of a given width.  But how?  I started by drawing a diagram like this one:

V is my viewing angle.  Okay it's not 29° (or 28.98333° which is the actual FOV of the nifty fifty on a crop sensor), but close enough.  The legs of the triangle extending out from V represent the edges of my FOV as the distance to the subject (marked by the dashed line, d) grows.  The base of the triangle (marked as w) is the width of the field of view at the distance d.  Basically this is a representation of the wedge or cone of that falls within a particular FOV, in this case 30°.

I can pick any distance I want for d, but what I really need is a way to say what d should be to accomodate a subject of a certain width.  In other words, to fit a subject 10 feet wide in my viewfinder, how far back do I need to stand with the nifty fifty on my EOS 30D camera? I supposed that given a formula for that, I could solve the formula for the width so that one could also compute the maximum width viewable given a distance.

The triangle depicted above is an isoceles triangle, as both the legs are the same length, and consequently the angles where the legs meet the base is also to the same.  I spent some time looking online for computations for isoceles triangles, but what I was looking for didn't appear (namely, given the length of the base, and the angle of the peak, what is the height or altitude of an isoceles triangle?)

I studied trig over 20 years ago so I remember very little of it, but I did remember there were a lot of simple equivalences for right triangles (that is, triangles where one of the angles is 90°).  And I realized while looking at my diagram that the line I had drawn to represent the distance, bisected V and split the triangle into 2 right triangles, each of which looked like this:

Bisecting V gives me a 15° angle (V'), and a base width exactly half of what it was before (w').  So if I could take a given distance d and come up with a formula for w', then I should be able to solve that formula for either d or w', keeping in mind that V' is V/2 and w' is w/2.

Doing a quick check online I found the two rudimentary trignometric equivalences for right triangles: for either of the angles other than the 90° one, the sin of that angle is equal to the length of the opposite side divided by the length of the hypoteneuse, and the cos of that angle is equal to the length of the adjacent side divided by the length of the hypoteneuse.  Here are those equivalences for the right triangle above:

Sin V' and cos V' I can get with a pocket calculator, and I'm going to pick a value for either d or w' and solve for the other.  I can solve the equation on the left for w' [w' = (sin V') * h] and I can solve the equation on the right for d [d = (cos V') * h], but both of these solutions require me to know what the hypoteneuse of this triangle is.

But in order to get w' from d or d from w' I need to do more work, mostly because I am not going to know what the hypoteneuse is.  I'm only going to be starting with either V' and w' or V' and d.  So what I need to do is solve one of the equations for h, and then plug that into the other equation.  That should give me a formula I that I can use to solve for either d in terms of w' and V' or w' in terms of d and V'.  So I picked the equation on the right.  Solving that for h gives h = d / (cos V').

So I should be able to substitute d / (cos V') in the equation on the left, like so:

Now I'm good.  I know what V' is, I can get sin V' or cos V' from my calculator, and I am going to pick either d or w'.  So now I can solve for either one, like so:

Done, right?  Well, yes, if I want to know what the appropriate distance is for half the width of my subject using a lens with half the field of view.  Now I want to substitute in the equivalences that w' = w/2 and V' = V/2.  In the equation on the right that will put w/2 on the left of the equal sign, so I will multiply both sides by 2 to solve the equation for w.  That gives me:

Okay they probably aren't the cleanest formulas in the world, but they work and let you get the height of an isoceles triangle from its base width and peak angle, or vice versa.  Using these formulas I could handily compute the needed distance for a given width in a given field of view, and this allowed me to present something more concrete than "gee whiz, that EF 50mm 1.8 is awfully confining on a crop sensor camera."

Back to the Argument

So how confining is that nifty fifty?

5 feet wide = 9.7 feet away
10 feet wide = 19.3 feet away
15 feet wide = 29 feet away
20 feet wide = 38.7 feet away
25 feet wide = 48.4 feet away

Pretty confining!  If you are trying to capture 3 people sitting on a couch which is 8 feet long all in one shot, you need to stand 15 feet 6 inches away.  Better have a big living room, or one where there isn't a TV 10 feet from the couch.  Or maybe if you moved the couch outside... that would be cool for an album cover, but for Aunt Bea, Uncle Joe, and Granny, it is probably less so.

Working with the EF 50mm f/1.8 is a good exercise though for learning how to push a lens to do what you need, and it's plain old good exercise, because you're going to be backing up a lot.  You can get that 8 foot couch in shot if you shoot from an angle, but then you will need to stop your aperture down to widen up the depth of field so that everyone will be in focus... which means you can't shoot low light anymore so you might need lamps or a flash.  Or you could give up on that shot and shoot the people individually.

Or, you could simply not get the EF 50mm 1.8 in the first place, if you are not planning to shoot primarily portraits.  If you want to consider the traditional FOV that the great 35mm film artists shot with, you need a lens that gives a FOV on a crop-sensor camera similar to a 50mm lens on a 35mm film camera (i.e. 46°).  The closest bet would be a 28mm lens, like the EF 28mm f/1.8 or EF 28mm f/2.8.  These have a crop-sensor FOV of 47.25°.  With one of these lenses the width to distance figures look like this:

5 feet wide = 5.7 feet away
10 feet wide = 11.4 feet away
15 feet wide = 17.1 feet away
20 feet wide = 22.8 feet away
25 feet wide = 28.6 feet away

Much more reasonable.  And quite interesting how the distance to subject is almost the same as the width of the subject.  No surpise that the 50mm lens became the standard on the cameras of old.

The 24$ Pentax K-Mount to Canon EF-Mount adapter came in the mail today, and when I got home I took out Dad's old Chinon CE-4 camera, removed the Chinon 50mm 1.9 lens and attached it to my 400D using the new adapter.

It would be an understatement to say that I am impressed with the results.

What a terrific piece of glass this is!  If you go on eBay you can buy this very lens for under twenty bucks and yet it takes amazing pictures!  My friends, if you have been considering getting a DSLR but have been put off by the price of the glass, and believe me, there's a lot to be put off by, and you don't mind setting the aperture manually and focusing manually, you may definitely want to consider old manual lenses on a new SLR body.

As for me, well I already have a fast 50mm prime, but I really wanted to see Dad's lens in action again.  I was not disappointed.

As you might recall I decided to sell my old Nikon gear off to Adorama and parlay it into new lenses.  Over the phone Adorama quoted me about $250 for my Tamron lens, and $200 for my 28mm Nikon lens.  The camera body is now worth a pittance (like $30), and there was the 400mm Sigma telephoto which they wanted to examine before giving an estimate on, but I was expecting at least $100 for it.  It was never a great lens but it wasn't total junk either, and it went for $600 when it was new.  So for the whole kit I was expecting $500-$600.

Upon receiving the gear Adorama took over two weeks to get back to me and then (after I chased after them for a couple days) offered me $175 for the entire kit.  I could see from looking at their own used equipment inventory page that they would sell the Sigma alone for almost $400.  Yeah.  So like, um, no.  I told them to ship it back to me on their dime.  They offered $200 if I would consider trading it in on a purchase, but I wasn't biting.  I was planning to finance my 70-300mm f/4-5.6 IS lens with this old kit, but given that the new lens was $550, if I ditched my entire Nikon kit at their offer I'd STILL be $375 short.  Not worth it.

Instead I sold my MtG Online account which had a pretty decent collection of virtual cards in it.  I got $510 for that and that ended up financing my telephoto lens (with which, I am totally in love.)  Meanwhile the Nikon gear came back and got stacked next to my old camera bag, into which I had stored my Dad's old Chinon gear, which my Mom had given to me.  Dad's gear included 2 lenses (of which one is infested with fungus and therefore history) but combined with my old Nikon gear that is four lenses that once took beautiful pictures:

1. Nikon Nikkor 28mm f/2.8
2. Tamron 90mm f/2.5 (for Nikon)
3. Sigma 400mm f/5.6 APO (for Nikon)
4. Chinon 50mm f/1.9

Nikon cameras for ages have used the Nikon F-Mount.  In fact the mount was introduced in 1959 and is still in use today (though it was extended when autofocus came on the scene.)  So as long as one is prepared to use them in a manual fashion, one could attach lenses 1 to 3 to a modern Nikon and go... no additional equipment necessary.  Many camera manufacturers created completely new mounts when moving to autofocus, to howls of disapproval from customers who had invested in lenses, but not Nikon. The other notable exception is Pentax.  The K-Mount was created in 1976 and is still standard on Pentax cameras.  I bring it up because the Chinon CE-4 uses an old K-Mount which means lens #4 in the above list should fit on any modern Pentax camera, although it would probably only function in a manual fashion.

So I began to wonder if I could find adapters that would let me use these lenses on my Canon EOS 400D.  People have been saying for awhile that it is not possible with Pentax K-lenses, until a working adapter was invented awhile back.  But for Nikon lenses the adapters have been around awhile and are available cheaply, so I picked one up from an ebay seller in China for the hefty sum of $7.99 (plus $8.01 shipping) and it arrived the other day... and I spent a couple hours playing Dr. Frankenstein, attaching old dead lenses to my EOS 400D.

		Nikkor 28mm f/2.8: I only tried a few shots with the 28mm.  I was surprised by how hot the colors were from this lens.  I can tell it is a good one and with practice I should be able to get some nice pictures with it.  This is one I'd like to throw on the camera and just go out shooting for awhile with it.  It was fairly wide, and therefore I could stand comfortably close to my subjects while shooting with this lens.
		Tamron 90mm f/2.5: The colors out of the Tamron were also very hot, though not quite as hot as the 28mm.  This and the Sigma are the only large primes I've ever owned, so they take some getting used to.  I found that the body of the lens isn't in the greatest shape, the focusing wheel would sometimes slip and turn a little on its own, so I sort of had to hold it in place.  I really took my time with this lens and did a number of shots.  I did notice a lot of flaring (I was shooting without the hood) so I don't know if the lens has an internal issue, although I did a long exposure low light shot that came out looking just fine. Given the slippery focus, I don't think I'd use this prime too much in the field, but for still life at home where I have a lot of control it still can produce nice pictures.  I'm willing to bet I could send it out to be cleaned and have the focusing ring tightened up.  I may try that... the picture quality is definitely worth it.
		Sigma 400mm f/5.6 APO: As expected this beast was the touchiest of the three.  If I ever end up getting that EF Canon 100-400mm someday, this lens will end up on eBay.  I need to do a head to head test with the 70-300mm I own at some point, but I'm willing to bet the newer lens will win. At 400mm the lens magnifies hand shake extremely, and it was never a very clear lens in the first place.  But I found if I baby it enough (and use a tripod) I can still get some very nice shots out of this lens, like these pretty magenta flowers here which required a half-second exposure even though it was a bright sunny day.  Granted, they were in the shade... but a half second???

All in all it was a successful experiment.  I'm sure I will use the Nikkor 28mm and the Tamron 90mm on my EOS 400D.  The Sigma... maybe, I need to experiment with that one some more.  This was pretty fun, and it was nice to see these lenses in action again.  With no electrical contacts the lenses were strictly manual... manual focus, and aperture had to be set manually as well using the controls built into the lenses.  As far as the 400D was concerned, there was no lens on the camera when I took the test shots you see above.

One note about the adapter though, it is extremely thin and getting it on and off is tricky.  It's probably easier to just buy one for each Nikon lens you are going to use and then simply leave the adapter on the lens (note, you'll need to buy a lens cap for each lens you do this to... once the adaptor is on, the lens cap that came with the lens won't fit.)  I've ordered both a Pentax-K adapter for my Dad's old Chinon lens and an M42 style adapter for possible future use.  (There are some really high quality lenses out there which are made to fit the M42 screw-mount, and they can be had very inexpensively.  I think I may want to try some of those one day... the Carl Zeiss Flektogon 4/20mm springs to mind as does a bunch of Takumar lenses.)

So while sitting around yesterday trying to work from home, aching and dealing with my swollen face, I considered the sort of kit I would need to take quality wedding/portraiture photos.

It occurred to me that if I had 10 grand kicking around, I could put together an amazing kit for doing wedding photography and portrait work.  In a moment of idle dreaming I listed it out on Amazon using their "Listmania" service.  You can see it in great detail here. I don't see how I could come up with that kind of dough unless I sold off my collection of Magic: the Gathering trading cards.  It probably wouldn't get me all the way there, but it might get me far enough along to build a useful subset of the gear.

A serious wedding photographer brings a spare camera body on a job--both because the primary camera could break down, and also because it can make switching between lenses much quicker, so I would want a more serious body to be my primary camera and my XTi would be my backup body.  Then I would need a couple high quality zoom lenses and a flash for the new camera.  That would be the basic wedding kit.

In order to do serious portraiture these lenses plus those I already own would probably suffice, but there is a little more equipment I would need for portraiture, and there is at least one additional lens that would be nice to have for the wedding work, and some flash enhancements that would be good for both:

The 16-35 lens gives me serious wide angle capability for large family shots (not unusual for weddings) and I can use it for landscape work when I am shooting for pleasure.  The muslin backdrop, support system, and clamps would be necessary for decent portrait shots, and ultimately I would probably want a few varieties of muslin backdrop, but for starting out, basic black would be fine.  The OC-E3 would allow me to separate the flash from the camera and hold it overhead or mount it nearby, and the LightSphere would let me diffuse the flash for softer lighting.  Stage two brings the total pricetag to $7,720.  This would be a solid wedding/portrait kit.

The only thing lacking is an even longer lens for very special sorts of situations, and a quality backup lens for the XTi body if I am ever shooting with an assistant and we both need to be in the most common shooting range (20's-70's) at the same time.  That's where stage three comes in:

The 400mm L glass with image stabilization should provide the last conceivable bit of reach necessary for weddings and I suspect for most weddings it wouldn't be necessary.  However it would be a solid lens for wildlife when I am not shooting weddings.  The 28-75mm Tamron gets a lot of respect despite the brand and the price, and as a backup lens on the XTi body, that would be fine.  This brings the total pricetag to $9,509 and gives me enough glass to do almost anything I want.  Yes, there's no extreme length lenses (> 400 mm) but I can't conceive of a use for such lenses that could justify the expense.

The glass listed would cover me for macro, wildlife, weddings, landscape, low light, sports, and portraits (especially when you include the 28mm, 50mm, and 90mm primes I already own).  Looking toward specialty landscape and architectural photography, the only other thing I can think of that would be "nice to have" would be a fisheye lens and a perspective-correcting lens.  That would be the "bonus stage":

The fisheye lens lets you squeeze a lot of lanscape into a single shot by giving the shot a spherized look... here's an example taken with the EF 15mm fisheye.  A tilt-shift lens is a strictly manual focus lens that allows you shift the focal plane in order to correct the perspective and distortion that often results from shooting tall structures from relatively nearby with short focal length lenses.  Here's a sample shot with the TS-E 24mm.  Anyway this would put the pricetag at $11,188, but what a killer kit this would be!!  Ah well... if I win the lottery someday... fun to think about I suppose.

If I sell off my MTG collection and save up my pennies for awhile, the basic wedding kit becomes a distinct possibility. I'll be devoting some serious thought to that over the coming days.