Unbecoming Levity

Feels Like the Sun Going Down on Me...

Abacquer — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:00:50 -0400

This is Sunflower, or as we typically call her "Sunny". As you know back in November of 2005 we lost our dear Maya. A few weeks later we just couldn't bear not having cats in our house and went to a local pet shelter to adopt three kittens. There were a number of things we didn't like about the way the shelter was run, but in the end we had three wonderful cats that we loved--affectionate, playful, and apparently healthy.

It turns out that the shelter let us down in that department too. It turns out that Sunflower, the littlest kitty, the one bearing the name I gave her the day she came home, is infected with Feline Leukemia Virus (FeLV), and it has entered an advanced stage even though she is only 3 years old. Our cats have never had contact with any strange cats since the shelter, and live entirely indoors--our veterinarian has informed us that Sunny almost certainly came from the shelter with the infection. They went on to say that they have seen over the last couple years increasing numbers of sick cats from that particular shelter and no longer recommend it to people looking to adopt cats.

The shelter was supposed to have tested all of its cats for FeLV, and the tests are very reliable and hard to screw up. But clearly they were remiss with regard to testing Sunny. And now Sunny has been living (infected) in close quarters with our other cats for three years. We've had the other cats tested and miraculously they are negative, so we immediately had them innoculated for the virus.

But poor Sunny is dying. She will not eat, barely drinks at all, and hardly moves. When she does move she staggers badly. She still purrs when I pet her but she is clearly not going to last much longer. I wouldn't be surprised if she dies tonite. Given she is suffering a condition which is essentially incurable, I'll be taking her to the vet tomorrow to release her, barely 3 years old, from her suffering. It's breaking my heart.

Our three kitties have bonded with each other over the years, and are always together, it's going to be very different with Sunny gone. We really fell in love with our trio of cats, and it became quite a ritual to say "kittycats, kittycats, 1, 2, 3" whenever we saw them. Or if we only saw a pair we would say "kittycats, kittycats, 1, 2, where's number 3?" Now there will be no number 3.

My daughter took it very hard when Maya had to be put down. When the kittens came home, she immediately took to Sunny, as Sunny was the littlest kitty. And strangely, Sunny took to Neya, perhaps because Neya was the littlest person. So while the other cats would sleep with Pat and I or follow us around, Sunny would always be found not far from our daughter, sleeping in her bed with her or nearby. If I had to pick the worst cat to lose, Sunny would be the biggest loss.

It's just not fair.

UPDATE 4:08 PM: It's over. Our little Sunny is gone. I stayed with her until the end.

Election: Voting Station Report - South Easton, MA

Abacquer — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 12:21:49 -0500

My beloved sister, Donna, has voted and sent in the following report from South Easton, MA...

Busy Weekend

Abacquer — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 18:02:30 -0400

Well this weekend has been half-busy. Went to see my Mom on Saturday... Friday was a rough day for her too since it was her and Dad's wedding anniversary. I helped her rake leaves and we got the pictures off her camera for her. She seems to be enjoying her new point-and-shoot and has been taking a lot of pictures.

We had a little cake for my birthday and then I told my Mom about something I had seen on YouTube--the story of Charles Ingram, who cheated at "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" and won the $1000000 prize--he eventually ended up in court and was sentenced to 18 months (suspended) and had to pay fines. It was an interesting story--here are the links if you want to watch it (the entire documentary is about 75 minutes):

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQoNWw0G2AY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XpDMxyFakY
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOOhfQk5-58
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q0K_I4DMX4
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obswP-3JFss
Part 6: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFpBLsLCMQ8
Part 7: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve5lx_LowaI
Part 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU14bYbJWVw

Mom loves game shows like Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, and so forth, so she found the story interesting too. We got back here pretty late Saturday night.

Sunday was the slow day. Patty went to Pickety Place with her family and I stayed home with Lynnea. She had a friend over and they seemed to have a good time. I did some photo work, played some video games, and enjoyed my new birthday gift.

Last year, my trusty old SAMSUNG YP7 MP3 player went through the wash in the pocket of my sweatshirt. :( So I was without a player for a long time. Sometime months ago I came into a little money (probably a gift from someone--don't remember now) and Pat asked if I wanted to replace the MP3 player. But at the time I felt it was better to put the money in my photography business account. There's still a couple pieces of equipment I am trying to save up for.

But over the ensuing months I realized just how much I missed having music whenever I wanted it, especially when I go to sleep. So, having received a little birthday money, I decided on Saturday to go out and get a new one. It's a Sansa Clip (4Gb)... and I can fit almost my entire song library on it. (No iPods for this music lover!) Plays great, and it includes an FM tuner and voice recorder for those rare moments when I want to take notes.

Let's see what else has been going on? I've been watching the election polls with trepidation I *really* want Obama to win... 8 years of Republican mismanagement has been more than enough. I'd like to finally see universal health care become a reality in this country. I'd like to see a serious move away from fossil fuels. I'll probably run a blogathon on election day.

So here it is around dinnertime on Sunday, and I am trying not to think about work tomorrow. Figured I'd write a blog post for y'all. It's been forever, it seems, since I was blogging regularly.

Oh, I've had Mara and Kennis knocking about in my head again recently... I may write a little more of their story at some point.

Bye Pooch

Abacquer — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 11:58:45 -0400

Well, my old dog had her last morning this morning. We knew she wasn't well when she wouldn't eat and was having trouble moving around the kitchen. A quick trip to the vet confirmed that the old girl had tumors all through her body and was on her last legs. The vet said that putting her down humanely was the best option for her, so that's what we did.

She was a good dog, and in her older years she and I became much closer than when she was younger. Apart from the last couple days she was always in good spirits, and would often do something we called "the happy Tina dance"... it involved her rolling about on the floor and kicking her legs happily while arching her back. The last time I saw her do it was last week after I gave her a bath. So I know she was happy pretty much right up to the end.

So long Tumblin' Tina... for 15 years you've been a faithful (if dimwitted) companion to us, and we will always love you.

Happy Birthday Patty!

Abacquer — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 10:56:53 -0400

Today the lady of my life is another year older.

Happy birthday hon!

Let's go out to breakfast!

Bye Nana

Abacquer — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:18:04 -0400

My father's mother, and my last surviving grandparent passed away last week. She was 92 years old. I'll be attending her funeral tomorrow. This was pretty rough on all of us, coming as it did shortly after the first anniversary of my Dad's passing. I find myself wondering if I will always greet spring with sadness. My Nana was a spirited character throughout most of her life, and I remember many happy afternoon visits with her when I was a kid. I'll miss her.

Here's an obituary for my Nana.

Hope Never Dies

Abacquer — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:12:08 -0400

Well it's been a little over a year since my Dad passed away, and it's been a sad time. Work has not been going very well, and it's hard sometimes to stay motivated. But good things happen too, which cheer me up some.

Dad loved Spring, especially when the birds returned.

Today as I was driving to work feeling a little blue I spotted some red-winged blackbirds in a small marsh still specked with ice.

Spring returns. Hope never dies.

Merry Christmas

Abacquer — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:46:17 -0500

Unbecoming Levity wishes you

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Samantha's Big Day

Abacquer — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:20:08 -0500

Back in the ides of December my niece Samantha had a big day. She performed in a Christmas-themed dance recital with her dance troupe and then went home to have a birthday party. After the party she went back to the stage for an encore performance with her troupe. It was an important day for her and she was really keyed up, but did an excellent job during her numbers onstage. Way to go Sam!

My sister-in-law Kris, Sam's mom, asked me to come to the recital and party to take pictures. I packed some equipment up and made the long trip with equal shares of nerves and anticipation. During the trip down Kris phoned me and let me know that the director of the show wasn't keen on photographs being made. There could be no flash, and I could not stand close to the stage--she was concerned I would distract the dancers and block the views of the other patrons, which doesn't give me much credit but I could understand her concerns. More annoying was that I would not be able to use a tripod (so as not to be distracting).

So the tripod stayed in the car and my nerves got worse. How dark would it be? Would I be able to shoot anything decent at all? Would Kris be disappointed?

The answer to the first question was pitch black. The stage was lit dimly but the room was black as black could be. I went over my lens options and eventually settled on the EF 70-200mm f/2.8L IS. I had both the 35mm 1.4L and 85mm 1.2L with me, but I was nervous about confining myself to fixed focal lengths given the admonitions I had received--I didn't want to be moving around a lot. Fortunately I spotted a place to the side of the auditorium where I would be out of the aisle and not blocking anyone. I asked the person collecting tickets if I could stand there quietly and shoot and she said "I don't see why not."

So I cranked my ISO wayyy up (most shots at 1250 or 1600, a few at 1000) and took a boatload of shots. The angle was less than ideal. I really needed to be in the center aisle (and on a tripod!) Despite all this I managed to snag a few dozen really great shots (IMHO). Choosing the zoom was definitely the right idea... it gave me a lot of needed flexibility.

Afterward I got to meet the show's director and the first thing she said to me was "Was that you taking pictures out there with the flash?" I assured her that was someone else and pointed out there was no flash on the camera. Then I offered to get her copies of the pictures and she seemed agreeable.

Then the 70-200mm came off and the 85mm went on for portraits of Sam at the venue where the show was held. Then it was back to her house for her birthday party where I shot over a hundred pix of her and her friends, using both the 85mm and the 35mm primes.

During the following week in rare free moments, I post processed the photos heavily in lightroom and photoshop, and prepared a CD for both my sister in law, and the dance troupe director. The CDs included my business card and a text file discussing the shoot. Hopefully the dance theatre director will be pleased with the shots and decide to contract me for future work. That would be nice!! I did hear back that Kris *loved* the pictures, and that she gave her permission for me to share pictures of Sam on flickr, and on my business website (which very much bare and under construction), and that definitely warmed the cockles of my heart.

Sadly I don't have permission from the parents of the other kids at Sam's party, or the other dancers during her show, so I am limited to sharing just pictures of Samantha, but that's okay, in my eyes she really was the star of the day. I suspect if you check out the photos you'll agree. Click the image above to check out the photoset in my flickr photostream.

Happy 11'th birthday Sam, and bravo for a terrific show!

First Day of Middle School

Abacquer — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:14:22 -0400

As the song goes, "Every new beginning is some other beginning's end...". Lynnea finished up elementary school in June and is now enjoying her first day in middle school as a big fifth grader. Where I grew up, middle school started in the sixth grade, but I understand it varies by district. We were very happy to be able to place Lynnea at the Arts Academy, and I'm sure it will be just the sort of environment she will love and thrive in.

It was a bit of a weepy goodbye in the auditorium, but she found an old friend, and soon was chatting away. I'm sure within a few minutes of our leaving she had more than enough to keep her mind occupied, and I'm sure she'll love the place before long. I'll have to call home at the end of the day and see how she did. Can't believe how much she has grown... she'll bee a teenager in no time at all.

Anyway, congratulations Lynnea, my big girl. Mom and Dad love you!

You can find pix from this morning here.

Happy Birthday, Donna!

Abacquer — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:37:19 -0400

Please join me in wishing my wonderful sister Donna a Happy Birthday to-day! My big sister has always been there for me when I needed her, even when I didn't know it. You're the best, Donna, I hope you have a great birthday. Love you!

Always in My Heart...

Abacquer — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 07:40:37 -0400

Many years have come and gone since we held hands and walked,
Along the shore, bare feet on sand, and of the future talked,
Of days when we would marry, of days when we would be
The parents of a cherished child, of our eternity.

Life has not always been kind, to us, 'twixt then and now,
And though I'm oft preoccupied I've n'er forgotten how,
We walked a beach, and gathered shells, and spoke of things to come,
How at your glance, or touch, or sigh, my heart would surely drum.

The pages of our love may yellow, our rose may wither dry,
As youth becomes a memory, and older age is nigh,
But the essence of that joy remains, though it may hide from sight,
My heart still holds a light for you, and it still burns as bright

As the day you first took my hand and we strolled by the sea.
You are now as you were then, the only girl for me.
And so my love, old age will come, and work on us its art,
But that one thing will never change, you're always in my heart.

And so I hope our lives stretch long into our golden years,
Through stages in our daughter's life as each new one appears,
For there are other beaches, and rippled lengths of sand,
That I would like to walk with you, together, hand in hand...

Happy sixteenth anniversary, honey.

Love you,

--C

Oral Update

Abacquer — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 02:00:18 -0400

Well I was back at the Longview Corporate Center yesterday for a followup visit. They wanted to check me out after last week's oral surgery. The doctor confirmed that it was normal for me to still have swelling and soreness a week later. He said it would take awhile to recover.

But on the upside, he said that it looked like I was healing up nicely. I thought he was going to remove the stitches today, but he said that they were dissolving stitches and we would just let them fall out on their own. For the past week I've had to keep the dentures in all the time (even when sleeping), the doctor said it was necessary to stretch out the tissue. But now he has reversed those instructions and told me to take them out as often as possible. Confusing business this.

Personally? I'd really like to get through this so I can have my permanent set of dentures made. I was hoping to get that done before my birthday in October. Oh well, at least it doesn't hurt as bad as it did last week, and I'm starting to chew a little bit again. Hopefully in another week or two I'll be back to full strength.

Of Dreams and Torpedos...

Abacquer — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 10:17:45 -0400

Many years ago (I was estimating '92 but actually it was around '97), I hatched a dream of becoming a photographer, perhaps a wildlife photographer because I was so into bird watching. I was doing software for a living, and though I was pretty good at it, I wasn't getting the satisfaction out of it that I once had. Friends I discussed the idea with encouraged me to pursue the dream, and so I started researching the equipment.

On line discussion fora were not as prevalent in those days, back then USENET was the place to go to ask questions. (When Google first appeared, once of the biggest deals about it was the ability to search USENET newsgroup postings... now that functionality doesn't even appear on the main page.) So it was on USENET that I began to do my research. I noticed a lot of messages from people getting started in photography and wanting advice on what equipment to buy. And I noticed anyone professing a desire to become a professional would receive at least some discouraging messages along the lines of this industry is very competitive, and it's very hard to make a living doing this, and various other messages that basically amounted to you will probably fail, so don't get your hopes up.

One of my initial forays received a few of these sorts of messages. At the risk of reliving a dream that died, here's a link to my original query on rec.photo.technique.nature. And among the positive responses, there were a couple less positive ones:

...there's some chance you can supplement your income someday, but if that's a primary motivator, better to take a course in
becoming an auto mechanic where you can get $60 an hour for labor...this field is ultra competitive and over saturated with very talented people who love what they're doing, work for nothing or close to it, and turn out fantastic images by the ton...anyone who NEEDS to supplement their income would not choose this as a way to get that done quickly. it just doesn't happen that way. i don't mean to insult your abilities or anything, but i do believe that you've really got this figured as being much easier than it really is...

...You need to learn the basics before you do anything else. And not to discourage you, by all means pursue your passions and dreams, but what the publishing world really doesn't need now is another 'great' photo of that bear or moose. You will find that taking great photos, and selling them are two entirely different things. Unless you are a prodigy of some sort, it will take you years of hard work and learning before you will even be capable of matching the quality of work that the industry is already inundated with, so start with learning and mastering the basics before moving on to the 'big game,' and in the meantime start saving your $$ for those big lenses. Once you do produce publishable quality work, your skills and talents at marketing will be more important than your photographic skills, even if you are only trying to 'supplement' your income...

Messages like these left me very discouraged when I started trying to become a photographer and I began the journey with a used Nikon 8008s 35mm SLR expecting to fail. After only a couple months of dealing with the exorbitant cost of film developing, I did indeed give it up. I just couldn't afford it. But the dream of becoming a photographer never went away, and resurfaced a few years later when I purchased a used Konica Q-M100V digital camera which took appallingly low resolution pictures.

Eventually I graduated from the Konica to a Canon Digital Elph S500 PowerShot, still a point-and-shoot, but it took better quality images. Now 10 years later, I've come full circle and have gotten an SLR again, but a digital one this time. And again I am nurturing the dream of becoming a photographer full time. So (almost on impulse) I ordered the MOO cards depicted above to use like business cards as I begin trying to turn that dream into a reality. Maybe nothing will come of it, but this time I feel a little more urgency, as I am now pushing 40, not getting any younger, and very conscious of my mortality. I've already come a lot further this time than last time, and I hope to go further yet.

I was kind of stoked when the MOO Cards arrived... like my Dad, I am excited by possibilities. So I posted the picture you see at the top of this article to my flickr photostream, and let slip that I was thinking of turning pro. I received two comments. One from my best friend, James, and one from an online acquaintance I met on flickr. James, being a friend,wished me luck in a manner I know was heartfelt. The other person?

You better find another way to earn a living. None makes money being a photographer these days, unless you intend to do weddings.

I give this other individual the benefit of the doubt, but, what is it with torpedoing people's dreams? Is this a common occurrence? Is it just that other people have pursued a dream and it hasn't worked out and they want to prevent others from experiencing disappointment? I thought about it for a long time. Then I heard my daughter come downstairs and called her into my study. We had the following conversation:

ME: Do me a favor. When you get a dream for what you would like to do with your life, don't ever let anyone try and talk you out of it.

HER: What did you read online?

ME: Huh?

HER: Usually when you talk to me about something serious like this, it's because you've read something online that offended you.

Smart kid, huh? So I told her about how right after she was born I began trying to become a photographer, and how some people had discouraged me, and how I had let those discouragements color my thinking. And yes I had found some of those original comments online and had just received another. I told her that it is a two way street, that people can try to talk you out of your dreams, but only you can let them do it. I think she got the message.

And as for me? I have nothing against shooting weddings. I think I would like that. When I went digital, I started shooting portraits and discovered that I love taking pictures of people and particularly faces, and went a little nuts doing so. So if I get to the point where I feel competent enough that I wouldn't produce crappy photos, weddings would definitely be something I would want to do.

And as for the guy who encouraged me to become an auto mechanic instead? Well his business website (started in 1997, btw, same year I posted on usenet about my interest in wildlife photography) hasn't been updated since 2000. So maybe he was experiencing difficulty in pursuing his dream, and that motivated the comment he made to me. I also note from his website that he seems to have rejected digital photography. Interesting.

Dad and Possibilities

Abacquer — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 02:27:59 -0400

One of the things I always loved about my Dad was that he saw possibilities everywhere, and he never gave up on a possibility. Any scrap of anything that he could fathom a use for, and he would save it... for years. Like these Altoids tins. If you've never heard of Altoids they are the "Curiously Strong Peppermints" and they come in small metal tins like these that snap closed and are the perfect size for change or other small objects.

My Dad, having been an electrical engineer, had literally thousands of small circuits, gizmos, parts and gadgets stored around the house, and he began saving these tins many years ago, planning to use them to sort and organize his various circuits and diodes one day. Eventually my mother got tired of them piling up and threw a big stack of them away. And we thought, that was that.

Dad recently passed away and the task of cleaning out his study is something we've been working on a little bit at a time each weekend. A couple weekends ago I pulled a box out from under his desk and found it packed to the brim with these Altoid tins... then another, then another, then another.

All in all about 200 tins plus another 50 or so I had found in the garage. Dad didn't like to give up on possibilities... even if he had to hide them in boxes under his desk. :-)

Why I am an Atheist

Abacquer — Sat, 19 May 2007 13:17:10 -0400

From Atheism to Catholicism:

My journey to atheism took about 25 years. It was not a journey fraught with disaster (any more than any average person's life is) but it was not exactly easy. In 1967 I was born, as all babies are, an atheist. My parents were Roman Catholics, and fairly devout ones at that.

Over the next 17 years or so I was indoctrinated into the Roman Catholic religion. I remember many, MANY, Sundays in church when I was younger. As my parents became busier and busier with work and life in general, we went to church less and less. Which was fine with me. I was hyperactive and having to sit in an uncomfortable pew while an old guy babbled for an hour on a Sunday morning was very difficult for me. Eventually our trips to the church were only occasional, Christmas, Easter, etc.--the big holidays.

My Dad had converted to Catholicism from Protestantism so that he could marry my Mom. He made clear to me in a number of conversations that his belief was not strictly Catholic. The most memorable conversation was one where he described a sort of "Gaea Hypothesis" where the Earth itself was what we think of as "God", a living organism with a desire to reproduce, which is why it had evolved humans, so that we could journey to other worlds and bring life there.

Dad loved Carl Sagan, and I have fond memories of watching Cosmos with him. I understood some of it, but not all of it due to my youth. When Carl gently explained with his "why not skip a step?" lecture about God and the origin of the universe, I didn't realize I was being exposed to atheistic cosmology. (For those of you that missed it, you should check it out, Carl was a wonderful teacher.)

My Mom, a good Irish woman, worked hard to keep my Catholicism strong. She sent me to CCD (Sunday school) until I flat out refused to go. Even as a believer, Sunday school seemed to be a joke... what a waste of time. And as previously stated, she got me to church for many years, right up to first communion and beyond. By the time high school rolled around, my parents were less than impressed with the local public high school that my sister had attended 7 years prior (apparently there was a lot of drugs there and other unpleasantry), so they decided to send me to a parochial school.

Catholic school was very different from public school, but even as an atheist now, I am pleased to report that my education there was of high quality. There was no shirking of evolution (it was a Catholic school, after all), and I remember only a couple teachers whom I felt really didn't belong there. The indoctrination, at the time, didn't seem like indoctrination. It is only in hindsight that I can see how Catholicism was drilled into me on a daily basis. By this time my family were not regular churchgoers, and the school priest was concerned about the fact that I would not be confirmed. So he encouraged me to seek confirmation on my own, which I did. I was confirmed with the name "Peter" and from that point on actually went so far as to add Peter to my name as a second middle name. Asked to sign anything I would write Charles Douglas Peter ... I thought it was pretty cool to have a second middle name, and wearing that name was like wearing a badge of my Christianity--Peter, the rock, upon which Christ built his church.

For a time, I began going to church again by myself--I was highly motivated (by guilt) to do right by God. But I had been motivated by guilt my entire life, and in experiencing the sorts of things every young boy experiences at one time or another, I was wracked with it. I agonized with guilt over the normal feelings a male experiences. I spent many a quiet hour alone and near tears over the eternal damnation that awaited me as a sinner. You see I was terrified of confession... I couldn't possibly sit in a little black room with a priest who knew me and pour out all my terrible sins, I just couldn't possibly do it. I would never be able to look him in the eye again. I tried to explain to one of my relatives once that I didn't like confession, and was informed "Well then, you're a heathen" much to my dismay. Thus when I went to confession, I stuck to stuff that was pretty unremarkable, and left the booth each time knowing that not all my sins had been forgiven. How draconian a system of forgiveness! I can't just drop to my knees and ask for it? An all-powerful being who already knows of each of my sins, and can read my mind and see how tormented I am, but who can't forgive me unless I go to the nearest service center and speak with a representative?

By my senior year in high school, with some of the early angst of puberty behind me, I was beginning to mature into an adult. At that time, I came to a decision that brought me peace. "When I go away to college," I thought to myself, "I'll take a weekend and drive really far, far, away from anyplace I've ever been, or will ever go again, and I'll finally confess these sins to a priest who I will never have to look in the eye afterward." Knowing I wouldn't have to carry this weight forever, that there was a way out, made me feel much better about it. The road to God's kingdom was clear, all I needed was a car and a tankful of gas. This decision brought me great peace, and with the guilt in check, I suddenly became much happier. I began to get along with the other kids better, and even became somewhat respected as an individual by my peers. I also stopped going to church, figuring I could take care of all that when I went on my "religious retreat next year".

To Nondenominational Christianity:

And so I went off to college. And there I became friends with people of all different creeds including agnostics and atheists. It was an exciting time and I was finding many new schools of thought that fascinated me. I was growing. It was in college that I came to understand that the "sins" I had been beating myself up over for years were an extremely normal part of boyhood. Before long I felt quite silly for agonizing over them, which in turn made me even happier. I decided to put the religious retreat on hold until I figured out where my life was going.

Over the next couple years I concluded that the problem was organized religion itself. I had become aware of the sordid history of my church, and of other churches and religions, and came to the conclusion that it was my personal relationship with God that mattered. I changed from Catholic to simply "Christian". I was very familiar with the bible, having spent years studying it, and felt I could try to live by some of the precepts set forth by Christ, seek forgiveness from God directly, and ignore all of the hateful crazy stuff that the bible was so rife with.

By the time college ended, my beliefs had changed again, mostly through discussions with my fiance, who was raised Lutheran. I felt that the basic moral code of Christ was mostly a good one and had become aware of just how poorly people who were supposed to be exemplary Christians understood his teachings and how they were in many ways waving the banner of Christ while behaving in an exceedingly unchristlike fashion. In that sense, his "church" didn't survive very long after his death, and transformed into something else. I was aware that many had called themselves messiah and there was no more reason to believe in their divinity than in Christ's. It amused me that if Christ lived today, he'd have been shouted down as a long-haired beatnick hippie liberal. I was aware of just how much of the story of his life was now in doubt, much of it having been edited in order to fit with earlier prophecy.

To Deism:

I was no longer a Christian. I thought that perhaps a God existed, but it seemed to me a being who had created the entire universe would have far, far, too much on his mind to worry over poor little me. It was silly. Apart from the love and support of my friends, family, and fiance, I was on my own. There was no almighty being who was checking off an attendance sheet every Sunday, and counting every time I looked at the fanny of a lovely lady and felt desire. All those years of agonizing guilt were years WASTED. How differently my life might have turned out had I not been so weighted down with the assured eternal torment that came with thinking boobies were interesting. But I was not angry at God, or the church, or Catholicism, or my parents. I was only angry with myself, for not coming to the realization sooner. At this point I was wavering between Christian and Deist. I still believed there probably was a God, but he was nothing like any God humanity had ever imagined. The very idea that a man or woman could "tell you about God" seemed ludicrous. Our knowledge of the universe was absolutely paltry. There were planetoids circling our own sun that we hadn't discovered yet, and we had not discovered a single extrasolar world for lack of equipment capable enough. And yet our sun was one of billions, in a galaxy that was one of millions of billions of galaxies... the universe was, for any practical purpose, infinite. And some dork with a 2000 year old book written by sheepherders is going to tell me he knows the mind of the God that created more than he could ever be aware of? Puhlease.

The following year we got married. We both felt, for our families' sakes, that we should marry in a religious ceremony. It seemed easier to do that than to explain to our parents that we didn't share their religious convictions. And, I had a certain attachment to my old church. Even if I didn't believe anymore, I loved the old building, and remembering eying the architecture with wonder as a young boy. So we jumped through all the hoops and did the pre-cana classes and finally got married after five years together. Being married didn't change anything about our feelings for each other, we were already devoted to one another and for years had shared a single apartment and checking account. Over the next few years I continued to grow (or shrink if you prefer) theistically.

To Agnosticism and finally Atheism:

Shortly after marriage I left deism behind and moved to agnosticism, and then finally to atheism. This last leg of the journey was achieved simply through study and keeping an open mind. I spent many nights pondering the existence of a God. Many Christians feel that atheists are people who were molested by priests or who had something really bad happen to them that made them doubt God. But my journey to enlightenment simply came through thought and reason. Not once did I ever come to the conclusion that God didn't exist because of bad things that happened to myself or others. My mind, and the minds of great thinkers, set me free from belief in a deity. And it was in freedom that I began to grow more than I ever had before.

That final transition from agnosticism to atheism did not come from arguments considering the likelihood of God, as put forth so eloquently by Dr. Richard Dawkins, but simply from an understanding of belief and science. Nothing had ever sprung into existence from belief, and primitive humans, seeking to explain the world around them, had come up with beliefs based on their limited experience to explain their world. There was a god of thunder, and a god of the river, and a god of this and of that, a final go-to place to explain that which was as yet unexplainable. These gods were inventions, we know that now, and we assuredly believe that our particular god is nonetheless real. Why? The universe existed for billions of years before humans did. Life existed for millions of years before human did. There are almost certainly other worlds out there with life on them somewhere. Why would we imagine that their God is our God?

It became clear that God is a product of man, and he still exists as a go-to for those questions that still are not answered and to comfort us. Through a god and afterlife, we are eternal, our consciousness the manifestation of an immortal spirit that will rejoin its loved ones who have passed on before when we die. The God hypothesis makes us live forever. And further, it addresses the common lament that life is not fair, God will mete out justice. If an awful, evil man becomes powerful and lives a long happy life hurting others, we can take solace that after death, he will be brought to account for his transgressions. The God hypothesis makes life fair. This is why the God hypothesis exists--to make us feel better. It is a comforting idea, in my opinion. But that doesn't make it true.

Which is where the science comes in. Science and good old Occam's Razor. A hypothesis only becomes a theory through testing, and the God hypothesis is untestable. First of all, most religions make quite clear that their gods will not abide being tested. Why? Because testing yields no confirmation. Get 10,000 believers together and have them pray over a guy with no legs and he will not grow new ones. Ever. Believing doesn't make things happen. Herbert Benson's recent study of believers praying for heart surgey patients found no positive effect on the outcome of the surgery and even had a slight negative effect for those patients who knew they were being prayed for. Secondly there is no evidence. Such evidence that has turned up (such as the Shroud of Turin) has failed under scrutiny. You can't get from hypothesis to theory without observable and verifiable evidence. Thirdly, the predictions of the God hypothesis are nonfalsifiable since there is no way to communicate with those "in the afterlife". Instead such predictions are painfully ambiguous so as to be rationalized easily, and serve as raw materials from which charlatans can build a living preying on the gullible or the bereaved. Which brings me back to Occam's Razor... the God hypothesis is an incredibly complex answer to the origin of humanity, whereas Darwin's elegant theory of natural selection and evolution is a very simple one--one that makes predictions which stand up to testing, and for which there are mountains of supporting evidence. Occam's Razor cuts away the God hypothesis, leaving the simpler and scientifically sound evolutionary explanation. There simply isn't any good reason to assume the existence of a supreme being until such time as evidence is discovered to support it.

And so I dropped the (perhaps somewhat pretentious) "Peter" from my name, and went back to being just Charles Douglas. So much the better, as Douglas is my father's name, and he was the saintliest person I ever knew.

Enlightenment:

Without a poorly fitting fairytale stretched over it, bursting at the seams, the world finally made sense. Things snapped into place and became clear. I could now ponder the origins of morality, religion, science, humanity, and the universe without the blinders of faith. I could consider modern moral questions (such as gay marriage, abortion, and so forth) without the infernally nonsensical mandates of the Judeochristian deity. I was happier than I ever remembered being, finding a remarkable peace that did away with guilt. I was an atheist, happily married to another atheist, and together we could do much good for our fellow humans, and lead productive and joyful lives together. It was only after becoming an atheist that I began studying some of the atheist literature that was available, becoming more familiar with Carl Sagan, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, George H. Smith, Jonathan Miller, and the witty and caustic Christopher Hitchens. (I confess that I have not read all these authors.)

Some years later our daughter was born, and we agreed to raise her in a world without superstition and supernatural nonsense. She would be taught that she should be a good person all on her own, without a scary boojum that was going to "get her" if she didn't. I think it was good for her, because she is like me, a creature of guilt, and I am so happy to see that she isn't crushed under it like I was. Are we indoctrinating her? Perhaps. Young minds need instruction. So we teach her how to be a good human being and leave it at that. I've made quite clear to her that when she is older, if she decides to pursue a religion of one sort or another, I will love her every bit as much. The only thing I ask is that she wait until she is older to make that decision, so that she makes it with an adult mind, instead of a childlike one. Perhaps I needn't worry so much. When her world had a Santa Claus and tooth fairy in it, she viewed the possibility of God as somewhat greater than zero. When she was freed of those illusions her worldview became much more pragmatic and she seems happier with the knowledge that the world makes sense, even if life isn't fair and is sometimes very sad.

It was shortly after my kid was born that I made it clear to my parents that I was not a Christian. Mostly because my Mom kept hinting at a "christening" for my daughter. When was the baptism going to happen? And so forth. My family has respected my choice to varying degrees of worry, my father being the clearest. He summed it up quite succinctly: "your Mom doesn't like it but it doesn't matter to me." My Dad was incredibly broadminded and thoughtful, deeply philosophical, and just all around great. I really miss him. My wife's family is similarly mostly respectful of her choice, except for one of them who is convinced that I "corrupted" her. (This person would doubtless be surprised to know that Patty was an atheist long before I was.)

Living as an Atheist:

Living as we do, in liberal Massachusetts, where the basic humanist tenet of "live and let live" is alive and well, we are not persecuted for our lack of faith. We get along well with our neighbors and friends, and pretty much don't talk about faith unless the subject comes up. So far so good, but I read too much of the news not to see that atheists are persecuted in our nation. It is perfectly acceptable to say "I hate atheists" and to express any number of ludicrous stereotypes about people like me. George Bush senior once expressed his opinion that American atheists should not be considered citizens of the USA. My daughter still has to profess a belief in God each morning during the pledge of allegiance, or feel like an outsider among her peers and risk intolerant treatment. Every bit of currency in my pocket shrieks YOU ARE NOT AN AMERICAN at me with its boldfaced assertion that Americans "trust in God". In a court of law, my testimony must be sworn truth before a nonexistant sky-fairy or it is immediately cast into doubt. But that's fine. Most Americans are Christian, and though all these things violate the separation of church and state, I'm prepared to overlook at least the latter two. I know I am a good American, and that my testimony is just as accurate without fealty to some nebulous deity. The pledge bothers me because it is a form of indoctrination, but there are far bigger fish to fry right now. Just take a peek at George God-Told-Me-To-Invade-Iraq Bush for a minute to see how theistic thinking threatens us all when we fail to respect the wall of separation between church and State, erected by the esteemed Thomas Jefferson who was a Deist, not a Christian.

I know too many good people of faith to disparage faith itself, I can only disparage what some do in the name of it. And thus I believe that as long as people aren't actively trying to convert me or persecute me, they are welcome to their faith. I wish them nothing but joy of it. But at the same time I feel a little sad. Although it is a perhaps comforting thought when stepping out on a gorgeous sunny spring day to hear the birds singing that God made that day for me, and has a plan for us all, knowing that it all just happened according to basic laws of nature makes the day and my chance to enjoy it that much rarer and more special for me, and helps me appreciate it in a manner that a theist cannot. What a precious, rare and wonderful world we all live on!

But that's okay. What's important is that we each find our happiness while respecting each other. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I ultimately believe that humanity will mature and either move beyond theism, or at least move to nonconfrontational theism that concerns itself only with the metaphysical, and leaves the physical realm to science. It won't happen in my lifetime, but I'm doing my part to make it happen by being a good moral atheist and raising another good moral atheist. As a good (atheist) friend of mine once taught me, it was Ghandi who said You must be the change you wish to see in the world, he was right. So that's what I'm doing.

Peace.

Sheeps and Stones and Lilting Tones

Abacquer — Mon, 07 May 2007 10:58:14 -0400

This week's gonna be rough because I'm having my teeth taken out and replaced with dentures. Therefore I'll be spending most of the week out of my head on pain meds. It was important to me therefore to do some things I haven't done in a long time this weekend, and just to enjoy myself.

Saturday

So on Saturday morning, me and the family went to Wachusett Meadow in Princeton, MA for birdwatching and other attractions. The sanctuary administrators were shearing a ewe when we got there, so we watched some of that. Lynnea really enjoyed the sheep, especially the little lambs.

The birding was good, we racked up 35 species by 11 AM. The highlights were extensive views of a Rose-breasted Grosbeak (hadn't seen one in 10 years), an Eastern Phoebe on the nest (never seen one on the nest before), and my little friend, the Yellow Warbler, who found me while I was resting on a bench and sang to me from a nearby shrub. The Bobolinks aren't back yet. I'll have to go back sometime soon to see them.

The complete list was:

House Sparrow
Blue Jay
European Starling
Northern Cardinal
White-breasted Nuthatch (heard only)
Dark-eyed Junco
Downy Woodpecker
American Crow
American Robin
Common Grackle
Red-winged Blackbird
Black-capped Chickadee
Rose-breasted Grosbeak (A rare treat for me! Was feeding at the sanctuary feeders.)
Barn Swallow
American Goldfinch
Mourning Dove
Brown-headed Cowbird (at least three pairs of M & F)
Red-tailed Hawk
Tree Swallow
Eastern Phoebe (saw one nesting!)
White-throated Sparrow
House Wren
Song Sparrow
Eastern Bluebird (what a nice surprise, got to see a couple)
Common Merganser (pair, M & F)
Hooded Merganser
Canada Goose (pair, presumably M & F)
Yellow Warbler
Northern Flicker
Bufflehead (pair, M & F, took awhile for me to identify, male not in full breeding plumage)
Chipping Sparrow
Tufted Titmouse
Yellow-rumped Warbler
Northern Mockingbird
Flycatcher, Empidomax Species (Beats me, I can never tell these guys apart. Its eye-ring was very pronounced so I'd venture it was either Acadian, Alder, or Least, or maybe even a Yellow-bellied migrating through. Probably not a Willow.)

After heading back home and eating leftovers for lunch, the family rested. I was sore and tired from the hiking. So I spent the afternoon reading The God Delusion by Dr. Richard Dawkins. It's very dry, and so far there are no surprises (most of the content therein I've heard from watching Dawkins speak, so it's largely an expansion on arguments I've already heard), but I am getting some reasonable enjoyment from it.

My neighbor Mark came over to ask if I would be able to help him move a giant boulder he had unearthed while working in his yard. He wanted me to come over on Sunday when he would have another person to help, but I told him I was visiting my Mom on Sunday. He didn't know my Dad had passed away and expressed his condolences.

Around dusk I decided to head out to L.A.N. Games in Leominster to play some Magic: the Gathering with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I can't remember the last time I made it out there. Certainly before my pneumonia set in (February 5) and probably not in January because I was on the project from hell at work. I'd say I probably got out there sometime in December so it has been quite a while.

My old friend Rich was there, as well as my friend Dave (who is also the proprietor). Later on my friends Dillon, Mike, and some others showed up and we all played cards. I had a really good time. Before I knew it, it was coming up on 10 PM, and I needed to get home and get some sleep because I was heading out to see my Mom in the morning. Once I got home I read a little more Dawkins and then went to bed.

Sunday

I discovered Patty was sick when I got up Sunday morning. It might just be allergies, but she was very uncomfortable, so I planned on going to my Mom's alone. After I took my shower I decided to shave off my beard. It was getting quite thick, and I didn't want it to get in the way of the oral surgeon this week. While I was shaving my wife brought my cell phone to me in the bathroom. My Mom was calling to tell me she had a lot of work to do today, and why don't I just stay home?

So after chatting with my Mom, I decided to stay home. I finished shaving and went next door to tell Mark and Heather that if they needed help moving the boulder, I was going to be available after all.

Around 11 or so, Heather's Dad John came by with his pickup truck and various chains, and winch-like contraptions with which we got the stone out of its hole in short order. It was a huge boulder, roughly triangular, perhaps about 3 feet wide by 2.5 feet long by about 2 feet thick in the thickest spot. John felt it was around a thousand pounds or so. Heather wanted to stand it up in front of her house and build a small rock garden around it, so we spent the next 2 hours or so getting it from the backyard, around the house, up onto the driveway, across the front lawn, precariously around the front walkway railing which was very old and rickety and up to the spot where the garden was going to be. It was hard work and it took all four of us to move. We kept laying down planks of wood and plywood for it to slide across so as to minimize the damage to the front lawn.

We were all exhausted when it was finally close to where it needed to be, and we were too tired to jockey it the last couple feet and stand it up. Project for another day, I think. Moving a thousand pound boulder really makes you think about how people long gone moved far bigger stones to make the pyramids, stonehenge, or other ancient structures.

I thought I was tired the day before, but after helping to lug around that fat-ass rock, when I got back home and sat in my comfy chair I immediately passed out. Later I got up (ow) and trief to play a little Oblivion on my xbox 360 but fell asleep again. Eventually I recovered and became incredibly hungry. I just couldn't get enough to eat! I had some toast, and then some baked beans, and then some beefaroni, and finally ate a few rice cakes with peanut butter. I washed this down with alternating glasses of apple juice and ginger ale and followed it up with a pair of fig newtons for dessert.

Later in the evening I read more Dawkins and tried not to think about my upcoming oral surgery. And that was my weekend. It was a pretty good one as weekends go, and nice weather to boot. Hope everyone else enjoyed theirs!

Weekend Activities

Abacquer — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 19:59:33 -0400

On Saturday we went to see my Mom and took her to the park for a little while. Lynnea had fun playing on the park playground. She particularly enjoyed the rock climbing wall. (pictures: 1 2)

On Sunday we had a freak snowstorm. Never seen anything quite like it. The snow fell in the largest puffy clumps I have ever seen falling from the sky. They were each like 2-3 inches in size. Sometimes you have a storm and there are a mix of all sizes of snowflakes. These were all huge. They covered the ground extremely rapidly. Later in the day it switched over to rain and by the next day the snow was gone again. (pictures: 1 2 3 4 5)

I had Monday off (Patriot's Day) and around the middle of the day we looked out our front window and couldn't see the street. Pat said "is that fog?" Then we smelled it... smoke--the house across the street was on fire. The police cruisers and fire vehicles were there almost immediately after we noticed there was a problem. The house was belching whitish-yellowish smoke. The firefighters got it under control quickly but the interior was all contaminated with smoke so the family that lived there couldn't stay. I went over to make sure everyone was alright and loaned one of them my coat. None of them were dressed to be outside and it was cold and raining, and I felt pretty bad for them. Thankfully everyone got out unharmed. The lady of the house told me that someone had lit a candle and had tossed out the match into a trash basket. I guess the match wasn't completely extinguished. Personally, we always run a match under the faucet before we toss it out, just in case. (pictures: 1 2 3 4)

Happy Birthday Lynnea!

Abacquer — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 13:03:30 -0400

Please join me in wishing my awesome kid Happy Birthday to-day! Lynnea turned 10 this morning--she's entering that middle ground where big girls turn into teenagers. But she's still my angel and always will be.

Happy Birthday, Lynnea! Mom and Dad think you're the best!

What's Goin' On, What's Goin On

Abacquer — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 09:26:11 -0400

Life has been a little hectic for me, and while I've had time to take part in interesting discussions on articles I posted over a year ago (weird) I haven't had much time to post any new articles. So here's what's goin' on, reduced to a bullet list, just so I can get the shite out there:

Went to see the oral surgeon on Tuesday, no real surprises there, it was just a consult, they wanted me to know what to expect and to talk to me. Had to read some scary consent forms where they tell you everything that could possibly go wrong during your procedure... we might break your jaw, we might puncture your sinuses, we might damage teeth you were planning on keeping, you might have a heart attack from the anaesthesia, you might die, the world might end. Great stuff to read if you are a person with an anxiety disorder triggered by medical situations. Thanks guys.
I go in for my impressions at the dentist this afternoon. Probably have to have the surgery in about 3 weeks.
Celebrated Easter with Patty's family on Saturday, and with my family on Sunday. Plus we had a little egg hunt for Lynnea at our house Sunday morning. Total of 3 egg hunts, and I hid somewhere between 85 and 145 eggs over the weekend (I had help on the last hunt.)
Atheist's don't believe in jinxes, but lately it's hard to shake the idea of misfortune following me around. During Saturday's get together, I noticed that the dog of one of my sisters-in-law, who had been brought to the gathering, was acting funny--labored breathing, strange movements. I told my sister-in-law about it, and she took the dog to a vet during the celebration and was informed that the animal needed to be put to sleep. Happy Easter kids, the dog is dying. They had the dog put down that same day and a lot of the kids were crying about it.
Continuing the jinx thread, I was on the phone with a friend yesterday afternoon and we were discussing all the things that had been going on in my life when suddenly I heard a loud bang on my cellphone. My friend had been rear ended by another driver and terminated the conversation with "my back is hurting, I can't talk now". Later in the evening I heard back that after a trip to the hospital my friend was okay, but he didn't yet know how bad the damage to his car is. We joked that I should try to capitalize on this Hurleyesque bad luck of mine, have people pay me to stay away from them, or pay me to hang around with folks they don't like until the meteorite hits them.
I've been seeing my Mom each weekend and helping her to get things taken care of now that Dad is gone. Mom runs a small business out of her house and depends entirely on an ancient Windows-98 box to do her work, and the box is acting pretty spotty lately. A few weeks before Dad passed away he had purchased a new computer, and so now I am trying to repurpose that box so that when my Mom is ready, she can switch to the new box and run her business on that. Unfortunately the new box comes with Vista which my Dad hated, and after spending a couple of hours trying to use the box I can see why. Microsoft completely changed the standard windows interface, all the control keys are different, and no functions are where they used to be. They also decided (apparently) that menus are overrated, so the standard office suite doesn't have menus anymore... yeah you heard that right. Everything is now reorganized on a new fat toolbar with tabs on it so that you can switch between toolbars. Microsoft calls it "the ribbon", I call it "thumbing your nose at everybody who already learned how to use your shitty applications". Vista does not come with a "classic mode" option like XP did... they really expect you to relearn where everything is. I refuse to subject my 68-year-old mother to this nonsense. So I backed up Dad's files, packed up his computer and all his peripherals and disks, brought it to a computer shop and told them to wipe it, and then install XP home edition and Office 2000, and get all the drivers to make sure the peripherals work. In the end, my Mom will be happier for it. And having a chance to check out Vista I am now quite certain that I won't be upgrading to it.
Had a little birthday party for Pat at home last week, a little cake and song, and a couple gifts (taking our economic situation into consideration of course). Pat got the movie "Eragon" which was -eh-. It's basically Star Wars... AGAIN, and progresses far too quickly. I kept saying "these guys forgot the montages" while watching it. But the dragon was pretty, and it was still fun to watch.
Oh, and I am saddened to report that Kurt Vonnegut passed away. Thanks for the stories Kurt, we'll miss you.

Guess that's about it. Gotta get to work! See ya later.

Happy Birthday Patty!

Abacquer — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 07:31:50 -0400

Please join me in wishing my lovely wife of 15 years Happy Birthday to-day! What can I possibly say that will accurately capture how wonderful she is? She's my partner and I depend on her every day, and she has always been the best to me, especially lately when I have needed her more than ever.

Good times and bad, love. Happy Birthday!

Heralds of Spring

Abacquer — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 22:48:37 -0400

A couple days ago, as I was coming out of the doctor's office, I finally caught on the air the scent that I knew was coming. For me, Spring is heralded by a smell. I can't really describe it... it's damp, a little pungent... it smells like the world thawing out and coming back to life. For me it is typically the otherwise unnoticed boundary that marks the transition from Winter to Spring. And, as with every joyful moment these days, I was immediately filled with a tremendous sadness that my Dad couldn't be there to enjoy it, that I couldn't phone him up or send him an e-mail about it.

This year I got the feel of Spring approaching even before detecting the scent of it. We had some unseasonably warm days, lots of snowmelt, and the appearance of robins and other birds I associate with Spring. A couple days prior to catching the scent I told my wife that I was depressed that Dad didn't get to see the coming of Spring this year. She smiled and said "don't you remember the robins?"

She was right. I had forgotten about that. When I was laid up in bed with pneumonia, my Dad sent me the last e-mail I would ever receive from him, about something he knew I would enjoy. I'm going to share it with you:

Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2007 11:59:16 EST
Subject: Hey

Hey Chuck,

How are you feeling? Hope your sickness is dissipating. Wanted to tell you about a strange (strange to me) event that took place here last Thursday. You know how robins show up in pairs usually, well we had a flock show up. I don't ever recall seeing such a thing. Grackles, yes, but not robins. Must have been 50 or more birds in the back yard. In fact our neighbor called to inform us. What they came for were the berries on the holly bushes. They just about cleaned them off. They are still, even today, coming by for more, but there's very little left and only a few birds at a time. The unfortunate aspect is the mess they left behind, it's every where. Have to watch where I step outside.

Pictures aren't great. Was hard to get them all without scaring them away, especially through the windows against the afternoon sun. I think I've seen just about every type bird I'm familiar with around these parts already.

Love you, Dad

In a way, these are my father's last words to me. And upon reflection hearing him say he had seen all the spring birds already, gives me some small solace that Dad got to see this spring. I can't tell you how much I miss him, and how much it hurts to be without him. But at least he saw the birds he loved so much one more time before he passed away. I've started my Spring 2007 photo album, and the first 3 pictures are Dad's robins... some of the photos he sent me when I was sick to help cheer me up. Have a look, I thought they were pretty good pictures actually.

Three Words

Abacquer — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 17:21:50 -0400

There are three words I never wanted to say, even though I knew that someday I would have to say them. Those words are "my Dad was".

My Dad was a wonderful, sweet, kind, and loving man. Doug Seggelin was devoted to his family. He always put others first. He was my hero, and I loved him dearly. He was inventive, and quite brilliant. His room at home is packed with sheets upon sheets of complex equations and diagrams, carefully inscribed in engineering pencil, and I cannot make heads or tails of any of it.

He had a rare wit, and was always making folks laugh. At any family get together, if people started laughing en-masse, you could almost guarantee that my Dad had a hand in it. He loved his grandchildren, and was always making faces to make them smile or playing with them.

He was utterly committed to his wife of 48 years and his children. If I ever asked my Dad for help, he would help me, no matter what. He took great care of his sister who is bedridden with multiple sclerosis, and his mother who turned 91 this year. He was well liked and respected by the people he worked with. He loved animals, particularly birds, and because of this my mother always called him her "Saint Francis of Assisi". He was definitely the closest thing to a saint I've ever known.

My Dad was an all-around great guy, and as far as I'm concerned, the embodiment of what most of us only aspire to be.

My Dad suffered a massive aneurism on March 6'th in the early morning hours, and passed away on March 7'th. His wake was held on Sunday March 11'th at the Blanchard Funeral Chapel (which is owned by his neighbor, and where he had worked for the last couple years as an usher and driver.) He was buried on March 12'th. He was 67 years old.

Now there's just my Mom, my Sister, and myself in the family I grew up in. Add to that our spouses and the grandkids. In the end I think this will make us a closer family. My Sister and I need to look out for Mom now, because she needs a lot of help, and all of us are looking out for each other, because heck, we all need help now. Saying goodbye to Dad was the hardest thing any of us have ever done, and the only thing harder will be getting on without him.

Here's an obituary for my Dad.

At the close of my Dad's funeral service, I read a poem that I had written for him back in the early 1990's, before I myself became a Dad. We printed up 200 copies of the poem superimposed over a picture of my Dad, and left them at the back of the church for people who attended the service to take home. The family always goes out first (and me a little early since my brother-in-law and I were pallbearers.) As I sat in the limo I watched dozens and dozens of people walk by with copies of the poem. It was touching, like sharing a little bit of my wonderful Father with everyone who loved him. In the end it looks like about 120 or so were taken. I'm glad I wrote that poem because it gave me a chance to tell my Dad how much I loved him before he was gone.

So now there's nothing left to do but pick up and try to carry on, and always keep my cherished memories of my Dad. I've got to support my family and always try to do right by his example.

I want to thank my family and friends for their kind words and support over the last week. You guys were awesome. Thanks.

To Our Friends, Family, and Readers

Abacquer — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 00:18:52 -0500

We wish you a

Merry Christmas!

A Lot to be Thankful For...

Abacquer — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 12:19:01 -0500

I had to add exclamation points because I have so much to be thankful for! I'm feeling pretty lucky. If your pic isn't up there, no slight is intended... I just plain ran out of time.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Abacquer — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 06:00:00 -0500

So today is my mother's birthday, and once again I am reminded of how lucky I am to have had such a great mom throughout my childhood and into my adult life. Thanks for everything Mom! Hope you have a happy day!

Ground Rules

Abacquer — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 01:25:59 -0500

Okay, I just had to delete some comments on an earlier article here because a fight was brewing between two of my readers. This is my blog, and I don't like deleting comments here--I don't believe in censorship--but I've got to lay a few ground rules that I would think are obvious...

All Quiet on the ULev Front

Abacquer — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 06:08:08 -0400

Sorry friends, been busy these last few days. Here's a short recap of what's been going on in my life...

Save DOVE!

Abacquer — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 18:01:34 -0400

My cousin Kristin volunteers at a special shelter in Quincy for victims of domestic violence. The organization that offers the shelter, DOVE (DOmestic Violence Ended), has learned that the Department of Social Services is terminating its funding...

Haunted Kitties

Abacquer — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 08:00:00 -0400

I'm not sure how my wife discovered it, but we have learned our cats are terrified of ghosts. Or at least ghostly sounds. If you walk into a room in my house and let out a ululating ghostly cry, any cats anywhere in the room will suddenly reveal themselves and bolt for the door. Doesn't even have to be loud... they just freak out when they hear it. This has become a useful tool for dealing with a cat that is getting into something she shouldn't. Instead of scolding or trying to chase the cat away we just go "WOOooOOOooOOOooOOO!" and the cat will stop immediately with an extremely hilarious expression and then vacate the premises.

Our dogs remain unimpressed.